You know, I’m one of those people who is always cold.
It’s something to do with metabolism but also my build.
I’m quite tall with long arms and legs, so I perpetually have cold feet, even in Summer, and whilst I don’t miss sharing my bed with a man at all (all that snoring, grunting, farting, chest hair shedding etc.), they can make great hot water bottles. And I have very fond memories of creeping into the bedroom cold and naked when my ex was fast asleep all toasty and warm, lifting the duvet and suddenly launching myself onto his back like a malicious little spider monkey and listen to him scream like a girl :-).
So, even though it’s allegedly Summer over here, I still have to put on the electric blanket on for a few minutes just to take the chill off the sheets before I hop into bed.
So when I woke up last night burning with heat, my hair soaked with sweat, my first thought when I fumbled blindly for the glass on water on my bedside table was ‘Shit! Trust me to get the lergy in frigging July!’
It didn’t even cross my mind that it could be a hot flush ‘cos I’m cranked up on enough HRT to stun a gorilla.
But when I woke up the next morning snot free with a severe case of bed head, I realised that someone had chucked a few extra logs (and about 3 cans of lighter fuel) on my ‘Phoenix Rising’ bonfire.
I’m struggling enough with the ageing process as it is without Mother Nature upping the ante any more.
Unsure as to whether my current cocktail of youth/juice/libido retaining chemicals is working (clearly not) I did a bit of a Google search and found this delightful diagram of hope and inspiration.
Something to look forward to, hey girls?!
Well I tell you what, I’m not ‘aving it….
I’m fighting back.
Because, whilst I no longer expect to look younger than my age, I certainly want to look and feel my best for as long as I reside on this wretched planet.
So, let’s break this down and see if there is any escape from this proposed, post menopause shitty-end-of-the-stick:
Headaches and hot flushes/flashes (depending which side of the pond you live)
HRT, drugs, lots of water, good nutrition and dietary supplements
Thin, Dull Hair
Diet rich in vitamin D (nuts, seeds, oily fish), good hydration and tons of product including leave in conditioner, hot oil treatments and serums. Oh and sun block and/or a hat when in hot climates!
Diet high in calcium, flossing, whitening treatments. And if all else fails, falsies or veneers! Fuck the expense/mortgage/your kids inheritance, because I have no intentions walking around look like a crone from Tudor times just so someone coins it at my funeral….
Pancake titties with weird, kiddy like nipples. Really?!
I have been sleeping in support vests/bras a la Marilyn for years, as my boobies have been keen on going on an expedition due south for some time, so I only really ever let them out for bathing and sex. And I/they have quite frankly forgotten when we last did the latter. And whilst the nipple thing sounds a bit creepy, it probably wouldn’t bother me that much because big, long sticky out ones <shudders> have always freaked me out anyway….
Risk of Heart Disease
Good nutrition, watch your cholesterol and get some exercise.
Yoga, walking and, <drum roll> massage! Because it’s for medical reasons, right? And it would be rude/impractical not to get a facial and mani pedi at the same time would it not? 🙂 🙂
An oil rich diet, exfoliation and layer after layer of moisturiser. Put a layer on; if your skin gobbles it up, put on another and another and another until it is satiated. Because I for one will not be walkiing around with skin like a badgers arse even if I live to be 100. So there.
Losing muscle tone
Exercise, belly dancing and good orgasms (HA!, she laughs bitterly….). And if all else fails, its a damn good excuse to wear Spanx/granny knickers.
Simian-like body hair.
Jesus, that is grim….. Dunno. Buy stock in Gillette? Mass electrolysis? Live in a onesie all year round? Fuck, this shit is mean….
Incontinence. Hopefully of the No.1 variety only?
Pelvic floor exercises, good orgasms (ha! again…) to strengthen your perineum. If that doesn’t work, Tena Lady. Or Pampers if there’s No. 2 involvement? 😦
An itcy, arid, receding front bottom
Aw, c’mon! Really? God, you really don’t do yourself any favours do you? And don’t give me all of that Adam and Eve shit, do we women really deserve this nonsense?! So, OK, Lanacane for the itchy, lube for the chafing and if your flaps are receding, give yourself a round of applause because quite frankly I would welcome anything that would hitch mine up right now….
Good nutrition and pumping iron. The former will strengthen your bones and the latter will increase bone density and help you work off the fury from being put in this position in the first place….
Dowdy clothes syndrome (see illustration)
Wear. Whatever.You. Want.
Do you know, I’ve spent the last 10 years worrying about looking mutton and erring on the side of caution, when quite frankly I should have just rocked it, wore low cut tops and skirts up my arse before varicose veins set in. Who the hell are people to judge? The media judge you anyway either for looking like you’ve ‘let yourself go’ or for dressing like your teenage daughter, and anyway I’d like to see some of the faces and bodies behind those reporter bylines because most of them would turn milk sour. Hypocrites.
So I say, if you like something, wear it.
If you have long hair, keep it.
Want that black leather biker/mid life crisis jacket? Buy it. I did and whilst I don’t wear it in the traditional way a la Chrissie Hind, I wear it and will wear it until it drops off me or I drop off this mortal coil. So what if people smirk? Worse case scenario, I get mistaken for Alice Cooper and even then, I’ll get upgraded to First Class when travelling via plane or get a good table at the Ivy. 🙂
Check out these over 50’s chicks:
Look at Fern Britton! After losing near enough five stone, there’s just no stopping her, let’s give her a round of applause!
Look at Patti Stanger with her long hair and short, shorts! This gal does not give a shit! Let’s give her a patti (sorry) on the back!
Look at Vivienne Westwood rocking her long hair and her, erm, very interesting ensemble! Let’s give her a rousing cheer, a pair of knickers and thank God that for once, we can’t see her vajayjay, shrunken or otherwise….
Joking aside, let’s face it, these ladies would never let Father Time beat them.
They’d bare their disturbingly white/snaggly yellow teeth, raise their tiny, inappropriate skirts and kick out, scream, and lob their £500 pot of Creme de Mer at his old beardy head, then have him escorted out of the building by their bouncers.
I’m not saying that if your personal style is more along more traditional, elegant lines that you should start dressing like Rihanna; just don’t think that you have to subdue whatever your image is now, or start to dress down for the sake of respectability or ‘good taste’. God knows that Mother Nature neutralises our beauty enough as it is when we hit middle age, so feel free tap into her rainbow and shine.
Buy that cobalt blue coat, rock that burnt orange tunic, work that perfectly cut black pencil skirt, and swathe yourself in that faux leopard stole when the weather turns cold.
Ladies, to quote Dylan Thomas:
‘Do not go gentle into that good night; old age should burn and rage at close of day; rage, rage against the dying of the light’
And keep an extra large glass of water handy by the bed for the next time naughty Mother Nature lights that fire under your ass. 🙂