Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


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DID YOU MISS ME?

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I did my age old trick today,and bailed on meeting up with someone.

And I think he’s pissed off with me.

We had planned to go to a market about 15 miles away and I had suggest going early, but he wanted to play it by ear as it’s Sunday and he wanted a lie in.  So, by the time we arranged a time, and I got on the road, the traffic was hellish.

Presumably down to Christmas shoppers.

Fuck people, it’s mid November!  What’s the rush?

So I’m sitting there, getting rather irate as I go into the old ‘first, second, horn’ routine as Homer Simpson would say, and the ‘let’s cancel’ dialogue starts to play out in my head.

Well I say dialogue, but it’s more of me justifying it and the other me agreeing, so it’s not exactly a debate.

It’s that ‘bad parent’ colluding with the ‘child’, as Aunty C would say.

It’s goes something like this:

Child me:   Look I’ve been sat in this traffic for half an hour and was meant to be there by now, it’s going to take me at least another hour, I’ll only be at the market for a couple of hours, then back on the road to face this hell again!

BP me:      You’re right, it’s a total waste of time!

Child me:   And the amount of petrol I’m spunking away!  I’m not working y’know and can’t afford to waste money like this.

BP me:      That’s a very responsible attitude.

Child me:   David won’t mind, Anna is with him; they won’t miss me, and I would have felt like a bit of a gooseberry anyway.

BP me:      And imagine if you couldn’t get a parking space? They might all be gone by now, it is nearly afternoon.

Child me:   I know!  This is all David’s fault, so he can’t blame me for not coming!

BP me:      Also, your old boss doesn’t live that far from there imagine if you bumped into him!

Child me:   I’d sooner not thanks.  Do you think he will mind?

BP me:      I doubt it, but give him a call and see what he says.

So I do.  And of course he says don’t worry about it, the market isn’t all that and he’s fine with me turning around and heading for home.

Which I do.

But by the time I get back an hour later and make a cup of tea, I feel like a right lemon because I’m sat there thinking ‘What am I going to do with the rest of my day?’

As if I’d stayed in the car and toughed it out, I would have been there by now, wandering around with Dave and Anna, having fun and a bit of banter, scoffing street food and probably finding a few bargains there to boot.

I drop Dave a text asking him if they’re having fun and I’m met with stony silence.

He might not have got it.

He might be busy.

He might not have a signal.

But I don’t think that’s the case.

I’m puzzled. Why would he care? It’s not like I’ve left him on his own like Billy-no-mates, he has his girlfriend to wander around with so I haven’t sent him there alone on a fool’s errand then stood him up?

Then the penny dropped that maybe it’s not that simple.

Sometimes couples get bored with one another or they have a spat, and seeing an ‘outsider’ can break that divide and bring them back together.

I hadn’t seen Anna for ages and maybe she was looking forward to catching up with me.

Maybe my view of myself, i.e. a sad old tag along to their perfectly united two isn’t quite how they see things?

Maybe they, shock horror, actually enjoy my company?

Plus, the biggest realisation of all is that when I do this I make myself dispensable because in the end, people don’t expect me to turn up, miss me when I don’t, or think to invite me to anything again.

Or if it does occur to them, they dismiss it because they think I will cancel yet again.

And I wonder why I end up lonely, when the reason is that I do this all the time, i.e. if the person i am meant to be meeting is not alone, I think it’s OK to bail.

And now I’m sat on the sofa bored, wondering whether I can face another 9 hours in front of the TV alone.

I get it now.

I know this is down to my illness and that when I’m having a bad spell, everything is an anti climax and that’s what makes me have such a ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.  But on the rare times that I have forced myself turn up against my will, I’ve usually surprised myself and had a good time after all.

Lesson learned.

I forgive myself.

But I’m going to try really hard not to do this again.

Then, they’ll miss me when I genuinely can’t make it.  And hopefully, keep inviting me to stuff.

Namaste x

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RETURN OF THE MAT

Today, for the first time since my rather traumatic retreat in Italy, I went to attend a formal yoga class.

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I had decided to do this because my home practice was uninspired, ad hoc and always being interrupted by the postman, plus if I’m going to teach this for a living, I’d like to do lots of different styles before I decide what it is I want to teach rather than have it dictated to me.

I set out in good time (unusual for me) and got there early, which was just as well as the studio was packed.  

I then made myself very popular by holding up the queue by paying with plastic whilst everyone behind me was trying to appear patient and Zen like, when they were in fact bristling with suppressed frustration and impatience whilst the poor little pixie on the desk stared at the bank machine willing it to get a move on, whilst minutes ticked by, closer and closer to the start time, which I have to admit, did bring a wicked little smile to my face.

It was going to be yoga Jim, but not as I know it.  

It was going to be the kind of yoga class I used to go to.

The other tell tale sign was when I clapped eyes on the teacher.  

As soon as I saw him, one (rather uncharitable) word popped right into my head and stayed there for the duration of the lesson:

Shagger.

As in, the kind of teacher that ends up shagging his students.

A bit like my old ‘Guru’ probably, but younger and more attractive. 

But with a flaw.  

They usually have a minor flaw these guys, just one tiny thing that stops them from being model perfect (biggish nose, slightly receding chin, not very tall), so they hurl themselves into their practice, and work until their bodies are Greek god like, then, and only then do they feel that they are entitled to plunder their salivating, hero worshipping, downward dogging customer base.

And shaggers usually teach competitive yoga.  

Not deliberately you understand, but their classes nearly always attract gym nazis that wear tight ‘Sweaty Betty’ lycra, a stony ‘I’m better at this shit than you’ expression, and have a very determined air about them as they crowbar their poor bodies into the most excruciating contortions, usually before they are ready to do so.

So this was going to be quite a challenging class.

Bring it on.  I’ve spent so many months practising in a body-kind, gentle, responsible fashion, it will be kind of nice to tax myself a bit again.

Pretty soon some mystical cum ‘chill out’ music fills the air, and as the practice begins, I realised that I can’t understand a single thing my heavily accented teacher says, and certain tossers that insisted on breathing very loudly and theatrically didn’t exactly help.  

And as I was at the back of the class, I couldn’t see what he was doing either.

But you know something?

It didn’t matter.

Because I just followed the others and, if nothing else, in the last couple of years, I’ve learned to feel free enough in any yoga class to do my practice at my own pace, leave out the bits that don’t suit me and not participate in the inevitable ‘pissing contest’ when it comes to headstands, lotus’, back bends and other such difficult poses.

A few of the ‘show boaters’ did cast me a few puzzled glances on noticing me breaking from protocol, as if waiting for me to grab a yoga belt and start flagellating myself with it in shame and contrition. 

But the teacher said not a word, nor did he have to come over and correct me at all.

And I was one of the few people who wasn’t trembling with excessive effort as I transitioned from pose to pose.

But I enjoyed it.

It wasn’t perfect; old Shagger didn’t ask about injuries or tell us to go at our own pace, I couldn’t hear a bloody thing of course, and the person inches in front of me had the most minging feet. 

But I loved the thing I’d been missing most of all.

Practising, breathing and chanting with others.

Because I’m far from perfect either, and whatever style we practice, and however seriously we take it, and whatever reason we do it, we are all on the same journey, whether we know it or not.

And it was nice to share mine with someone other than two very mischievous, intrusive, bombastic cats and a horny postman.

So, as that other muscular, showboating shagger used to say, “I’ll be back”…..

Namaste x

THE CLOSET WITH IT’S OWN POSTCODE

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You know those times you wake up in the morning and think ‘What the fuck am I going to do?

I rose this morning to that familiar refrain and the first thing I saw was this amazing piece of work.

Ash Beckham talks about our ‘closets’ where we hide in the dark and clutch our unacceptable truths to us, like the ticking bombs that they are.

I live in such a closet; only trouble is that mine has white walls, a sitting room, two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, a full fridge, central heating, all mod cons and I don’t want to leave it.

I tell myself I’m going to do this, that and the other and carve myself a life outside of these walls, but I’m starting to realise that I’m creating story lines to hurl at people from my past so that they don’t sneer and laugh at me. Little do they know that I’ve barely done shit about taking anything forward really.

I look like a yoga teacher so as long as I’m not challenged to do a head stand in the pub, they’ll buy that.

I’m a great cook so why wouldn’t I monetize it? Surely any fool without a job would?

I’m a writer, so surely must be working on a book? That my friends, is something I can’t hide behind, unlike this blessed, anonymous, life saving blog.

The only thing I’m truly, truly embracing is my ‘extra’ work.

Because I can show up to a set, be made up as and be someone else for an hour/day/week and hell, when you’re as terrified as I am of going back out into the big wide world as yourself, what’s not to love here? Shame it isn’t paying anything yet….

This isn’t the story I wanted to write, and I KNOW it’s not the one that you want to read.

I wanted to start 2013 at ‘only way is up’ level and graduate in December 2013/January 2014 with flying colours, a great job, a loving partner, a career/careers and clouds of ticker tape, having totally sorted out my shit and prised that massive fucker of an orangoutang off my back. And whilst there has definitely been advancements, realisations and mini successes, I’m not entirely there yet.

And that ape may not be digging it’s claws in quite as hard, but it’s doing something infinitely worse.

It’s cuddling me. Stroking my hair, gently holding me to it saying ‘Stay here with me where it’s safe. Live for the moment, that’s what all the good ‘self help’ books say don’t they? You’re not ready yet, let’s hunker down with a mug of tea and watch TV. You’re worried about money? Let’s not think about that right now, it will all come right in the end.’

I know I should be writing about my successes and making this blog a more inspirational read, but I swore to be honest and authentic on here, no matter how many readers it might cost me, and this is where I am today.

Wondering if I actually like doing anything that I say I do, and if so why don’t I get a move on and use it to make something of myself?

As a matter of fact, who the hell am I anyway?

I’m not sure, it’s too fucking dark in here, and the monkey notwithstanding, I know I’m on my own.

So this is my ‘hard’ conversation with you. I’ve inched forward slowly in something of the things I claim I want to do, but when it comes to doing them for real, I really scared that I might be making it all up and have no intentions of doing any of it.

Clutching my own fear filled grenade.

Waiting for the courage to open that fucking door already.


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MISSING

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Shhh!

If anyone asks you if you’ve seen me, I beg of you my love, be discreet….

You see whilst you are and will always be my first love, I have to confess that I am now, alas, for the meantime, committed to another.

Committed to an intractable, demanding, inflexible creature that expects me to work like a dog every single day, takes everything I say as set in stone, will not allow me to make amends, and the pressure and strain is all encompassing and absolutely unbearable.

And if I make a mistake?

No mercy.

And if I do not give this monster enough?

Then I am made to feel as if I have fallen short of expectation.

Where as you, my beloved, my precious one, take me as I am, and love and appreciate me no matter what I offer you.

Be it a sentence, a song, a poem from my heart; a hateful rant, a story of hope, a tale of terror, tears or things that once were, you accept each word as a precious jewel and make me feel that I can do no wrong.

You ask nothing of me, and in return, all I want to do is lay my bounty at your feet and please you.

Whereas this voracious beast only serves to remind me why I am wary of commitment and turns the most pleasant, pleasing, life enhancing thing in the world into a dreadful, loathsome, tiresome chore.

But rest assured my love that come December I will have no more to do with this cold tyrant, and be yours again exclusively.

Until then, promise that you will not forget me?

Missing you.

Au revoir mon amour x


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I’M LATE, I’M LATE….

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Yes, its me, Ms Tardy for the Party, as per usual.

What I am late for this time?  

Well pretty much everything actually.

Advancing in my yoga, setting up my business, my hideous fledgling novel on ‘na noo na noo’ or whatever they call it (and only three days in too!) and of course, achieving my aims and resolutions for this year.

And only eight weeks to go.

Of course I have realised that my advancement relied and relies on so much more than mere box ticking and that advancements, especially spiritually, have taken place that I never thought possible.

I also finally realised that I’ll never totally beat this condition; it is a part of me that I will always have to manage, make allowances for and nurture myself in it WITHOUT letting my FEAR rule me or allowing myself to hide from the world.

From a financial aspect, 2013 has cost me greatly, as I have not earned anything, not claimed any benefits and have gradually eaten away at my savings, but without this time away from the rat race I might not even be alive, so whilst I am poor I have much to be grateful for.

My main hurdle for the latter part of 2013 is to do those things for myself that only I can do, but for some reason deprive myself out of fear, self loathing, self protection or whatever.

I haven’t done an update for a couple of months and when I tried to today, I realised that I had let a lot slip AGAIN and am sat metaphorically on the school bus feverishly scribbling down my homework.

But I can’t explain how hard it it to motivate myself and get past my terror of ‘I don’t know what’ when I am for the most part all alone, and can get away with hibernating without anyone getting on my case about it.

But I can, must, WILL keep trying.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow…..

I will hold off doing a proper update until the end of the year, when, I hope to have a gleaming school report, resplendent with gold stars!  Or big, splatty inkblots more like….

Thank you for your patience and big love to all xxxx

 


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NaNoWriMo 2013 – OH SHAZBOT, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

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Yes folks, I’ve committed to writing a 50,000 word novel in a month.

I know!

Gulp.  I can barely tear myself from the TV to write my blog most days, and I LOVE doing this, oh God, what have I done?

Also if I enter into the true spirit of this and literally start something from scratch, I have no idea what I’m going to write about.

AND 15 hours of Day One have already elapsed!

Still, me being me, there is no way I’d ever do it without something like this, and it will keep my mind wandering in and out of paranoid, panicky hell, so I can only do my best.

Need to earn money NOW, a new company to set up, yoga to do, baking to bake, blogs to blog and stories to fake, how did I get so busy?

This was never part of the plan; when WILL I get time to watch ‘Real Housewives’ and ‘Strictly’?

Let’s hope whatever I produce is out of this world…..

Sorry, that was lame, let me assure you that no matter how much time I have to dedicate to this novel, I won’t write shit like that for you ever again!

Wish me luck xx


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Daily Prompt: Pep Rally GOOD OLE MRS RIGHT-NOW

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We all know someone who could use a pep talk… so write them one!

Have you ever stood by and watched your best friend sell herself short on some useless guy/girl?

Have you ever let them share the inevitable unfolding drama day after day, week after week, with half of you trying hard to be a friend, to listen honourably and be patient, when the other half of you is silently screaming ‘What did I tell you?  WTF?  Why are you still doing this?!’

Have you ever watched someone you love in the throes of terminal bad relationship addiction whilst knowing in your heart that it can, and will only end badly?

This is my pep talk to my beautiful, big hearted, pocket rocket of a friend, ‘Perri’; I only wish I could share it with her.

 

You’re still seeing him, aren’t you?

I know you’re deliberately not telling me about it because inside you feel like a fool, and you know i see through all your bullshit bravado, and think I’m going to scream ‘Told you so!’.

But I won’t.  What good will that do either of us sweetie?

To be honest with you, I don’t entirely blame him.  He’s a user, you’re a martyr, you found one another, the attraction was overwhelming, you locked together like magnets and now you’re tight in the coils this most unhealthy, unholy, unsavoury of unions.

And the sex, coupled with your need to mother, tripled with your love of being the perpetual victim, compounded with his overpowering Oedipus complex means that you could be in his life and, more to the point, at his service for a very long time.

Much to your detriment.

You get upset when I tell you to end it, and accuse me of not liking him.

I don’t know him, Perri!  I only know what you tell me….

Adnan may be a six foot two slab of intense, scowling, burning lurve, but he has some serious issues.  And I speak as someone in the ‘takes one to know one’ position.

The most exasperating thing of all is that you know that he’s done this before, as your predecessor is now stalking both of you, totally heartbroken and hell bent on revenge.  

He tells you that he’s finished with her and she’s only a friend now, but that’s what he does.  

Seduces older, grateful women past child bearing age, tells them that he wants to marry and have children one day so he cannot commit, works on them until they are totally besotted with him, tells them he loves them, will always love them so that they cannot, will not finish with him.  In the meantime he keeps scanning the horizon for a better offer, in the safe and certain knowledge that if he never actually meets a potential wife, he has a couple of options on the side as a back up and will never be lonely.

That said, if she does rock up, young, eligible with a body to die for and a belly full of eggs, you can bet that he’ll drop you like a well sucked, dried up old orange and kick you to the kerb.

Not entirely though.

He’ll want to stay ‘friends’ because he still cares for you in his way. So he’ll keep in touch, drop by occasionally for dinner and give you a reason to cook and set the table as opposed to having a lonely TV meal on your lap.  He’ll be smart enough to fuck you occasionally just to keep you wanting more, then go back to his juicy young missus, safe in the knowledge that you’ll welcome him with open arms if it all goes wrong or she’s having an off night or on her period.

Unless he finds another younger version of you, that is.

Or should I say ‘when’.

Perri, you have to walk away.  Now.

It’s not like I don’t get it. I’ve been approached by the Adnan’s of this world before now, but instead of looking like a long, cool glass of water on a sultry day, to me, they look more like a poisoned chalice full to the brim with danger and misogyny.

Seductive, sexy, self assured and absolutely 100% all out for themselves.

So apart from the occasional dalliance over the last 30 odd years, where I’ve briefly used their body, and then done the kerb kicking thing myself, I’ve always sidestepped such Lotharios.

Because I would never let anyone like that have power over me in that way.  Hell I don’t let anyone have power over me, so men like that have no chance!

Me no likey.

That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes envy you the sex, the passion, the excitement, and the luxury of being held in the arms of another.  But the risk far outweighs the pleasure as far as I’m concerned, so NO, I don’t want to be fixed up with his friend from the dry cleaners!

This guy really has it all, you know?  And old friend/lover who welcomes him with open arms and a nice home cooked dinner whenever he deems to see her, you as his main fuck buddy and overall support system, AND a young Iranian woman to date and check out apropos to her potential as his future wife.

And you?

You wait in the wings and tell yourself you don’t want him permanently, encouraging him to find Miss Right and sneering at that old lady for her anger, clinginess and desperation, because you’re so much more sophisticated and emotionally mature than her, and want to meet an older guy to settle down with anyway.

But guess what?  He won’t let that happen, because he wants to keep you on board for as long as he needs you, and whilst you’re getting some from him, you might kid yourself that you are, but you won’t be looking elsewhere.

And when that day comes when he has had enough of you, you’ll be too old to meet anyone else, and guess what?

You’ll have morphed into her; furious, defeated, desperate, well past your ‘sell by’ and willing to keep him on any terms, and then and only then will the penny drop and you’ll finally realise that you’ve been had.

And don’t tell me that you’ll end up being friends with him and live happily ever after.

Honey, it’s not possible to be friends with someone you have this amount of chemistry with.

Cut the cord.  Delete his number.  Change yours and walk away from this.

Whilst you still can.

Because you, my bright, beautiful, passionate friend, deserve so much more than being some arsehole’s good ole Mrs Right-Now, and should be free to meet some lovely silver fox who’ll wine, and dine, and totally spoil you rotten.

Peel Adnan off your hide like the leech he is and walk away.

As there is no loneliness quite like being second best.

Love Sista xx

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