Sorry for the radio silence. Have had just had three days of hell, brought on by yet another frigging birthday, having to resort to applying for benefits and the betrayal of a friend which left me a knuckle biting, goggle box watching, contracted, balled up, terrified wreck who ground her teeth to a bloody mess every night. And it’s a bugger to get those pillowcases clean afterwards!
I wasn’t rendered completely inactive though.
I’ve had to ban myself from eBay after incessant stalking of Joyce McKinney levels via the ‘ending soon’ option, and have spent a small fortunate on stuff I don’t really need, just to distract me from the pain of my crisis which was threatening to obliterate me.
So it felt like I couldn’t get any lower.
But I’m alive, I have a roof over my head, and I have options. But it’s up to me to take direct action in order to change my situation.
Plus I got an email from my very own celebrity stalker, Dr Rick Hanson.
Ole Rick’s always emailing me. I mean it’s getting embarrassing, and there are days when I open the message, stare at his perky, happy, successful visage and think ‘You again? Really?! Back the hell off, geezer!’ but there is no doubt he means well, and today’s missive totally hit the spot, so, as it’s not on his website yet, I thought I’d share it with you. I’ve bolded the bits that resonate the most with me.
Isn’t he annoying?! One of those ‘lemons to lemonade’ types, whereas no doubt I’d cut the lemon in two, bite down on half of it, squirt the other in my eyes then apply it to a particularly deep paper cut, such is my desire for self destruction….
But, all joking aside, the one thing that made my ears prick up in this instance was his reference to tenacious persistence.
I know I have this in spades. Trouble is it only comes out in bad situations where i feel I need to defend myself, and then I’m a like a rottweiler on steroids with an elastic band around it’s balls. Furious, dogged (sorry), committed and determined, I hang in there, fight clean, fight dirty, and ‘never stop fighting till the fight is done’.
So why can’t I harness this trait and use it for positive things instead of attack mode? It’s possible. Isn’t it?
So from now on, before I hit the hay, I’m going to write a list of what I want/need to do the next day. I may not do all of them. Hell I may not do any of them. But at least I’ll try.
I’m going to try and fight my urge to procrastinate by watching bad TV, unnecessary eBaying, playing scrabble and fannying around on the internet.
I’m going to try and fight for a better life, fight to make people see and treat me better, fight for my rightful place in this world, fight my shame and self recrimination, and show those nagging, tormenting mind monkeys of mine where the door is.
I’m not always well or motivated enough to read all of Rick’s emails, but when I do I find that they are always compassionate, practical and inspiring and it won’t hurt you to subscribe to them as there are days when they are the only thing that get me out of my pit.
So whilst the image of buttery frogs makes me want to break out garlic and breadcrumbs à la française, I’ll try to keep churning and not disintegrate into a pool of congealed mess every time something or someone hits me.
And there’ll be more missiles to come; i can feel it.
But that’s life, isn’t it?
Dontcha just lurve Karma folks? 😉