For the last 48 hours or so, I’ve scraped by in a bit of a daze really, but one good thing has come from this ‘Total Recall’ from hell.
I have learned to take comfort from the company of others.
Not for the entire two days you understand, no that would be too much of an about turn, but my twisted mind’s impetus to keep reliving and replaying all of the details of what happened that night again, and again make me at loathe to be alone with my thoughts for too long, which is something very new for me.
So much makes sense now.
- My mistrust of men.
- My wondering what they really wanted from me (as they couldn’t actually like me, could they?)
- My low self worth.
- My horror of rejection.
- My inability to let myself be out of control.
- My inability to fully relax when a boyfriend (or any man for that matter) stayed over in my home.
- My secrecy and need for privacy.
- My needing to be able to physically protect myself.
- My always expecting and being prepared for the worst.
- My always having an exit plan.
- My readiness to ‘fight to the death’ when threatened.
- My fury when presented with male aggression.
And all of this because some selfish, sexist, cowardly, misogynistic wanker could have a quick squirt and about 30 seconds of ecstasy that was probably forgotten within 24 hours (or once he’d fucked/raped someone else), whilst this has marred all of my relationships for over half of my life.
Don’t they realise this?
These rapists, these child abusers, these kidnappers, these opportunistic abusers?
Can’t they just have a wank over some porn like everyone else?
The darkest part of me would love to see them all gang raped up the arse by way of punishment so that they could live in shame, fear, self loathing and pain for the rest of their life, but that’s just ‘eye for an eye’ and nothing good ever comes from that.
I haven’t been able to cry at all. I just feel frozen.
So many thoughts, so many realisations.
Babies never came for me, and I subconsciously used to wonder whether I was being punished, or that some fundamental damage had been done to me.
It was probably just as well, I’m so fucked up that any child of mine would have probably being a bit screwed up too.
Suffice to say, whatever libido I have recently recovered has completely and utterly disappeared, so this is probably a damn good excuse to stop seeing GM and/or going on any more dates for now.
But I don’t want this to turn me into a man hater.
I think that as part of a healing process, I need to spent time with all of the kind, gentle, safe men that I have in my life to remind me that there good ones are out there too, and hopefully this will heal my wounds, make me feel safe and thaw out the block of ice that is currently holding my heart captive.
Thanks again for all of your kind words, they nourish my tired, battered little soul, they really do 🙂
And to any guys who are reading or who have read about any of this, I guess you probably don’t know what to say and think it’s best to keep out of it?
I totally understand.
P.S. What has shocked and saddened me the most has been the number of bloggers who have had similar experiences to mine, and I’m touched by them taking their courage in both hands and taking the trouble to comment so kindly and supportively about mine. Love and support right back at you xx
Namaste to all xx