Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


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2016 – The Year Of ? (Make Plans, God Laughs)

happy-new-year-meme.jpg

Is it that time again already?

Yes folks, it’s the start of yet another 365 days on planet earth and I’m still here.

The good news is I’m nearly 24 hours into it and nothing horrible or stupid or disastrous has happened yet 🙂

That said I have been wrapped up in a Christmas/New Year comfort blanket where normal people take a break from their jobs over the holiday so I am forced to put all the stressful shit on hold until they are back in the office on Monday.  Not that I haven’t taken full advantage and put everything gratefully on the back burner, but I am more than aware of the rather urgent pending challenges that await me this month.  On Monday to be precise.

But, so far, 2016 has been OK!  Only another 8736 hours or so to get through  😦

This year, dear readers (if I still have any) you will find me an older, sadder and wiser Sista and therefore I’m not going to be giving 2016 a name, positive motivational theme, or even to go through specific resolutions.

It’s not that I don’t have any; it’s just that my lofty aims and ambitions can so easily fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces.  And then I read back my previous posts and feel like a total arse, hence my long periods of absence on here in 2015.

Another reason is that not a lot has changed in the last year.  I’m still not working full time.  I’m not fit.  I’m older and fatter.  I’ve left my group therapy.

And I’m more frightened than ever.

But I think I’m softer, kinder, less abrasive, I’m taking less medication and, like I said in my last post, changes are afoot whether I like it or not.  The Universe has ran out of patience with me, and as on previous occasions is winkling me out of my hidey hole an propelling me bodily out into the great unknown.

This, my friends, will happen in some way shape or form, so I have no need of a specific resolution.  I have to pull down my oxygen mask, assume the crash position, and kiss my ass goodbye just in case I don’t survive the landing.

Getting past this stage is the only resolution I can deal with right now, such is it’s magnitude, stress inducing propensity and urgency.

witch.jpg

Once I’ve done that it’s more about setting up a new life for myself and not, I repeat, not hiding away in my little cottage and getting pelted with rotten fruit by the village children who proclaim me resident witch.

Which is massive, as I managed to be a recluse for most of 2015 in London, so the temptation to tuck myself away and fester will be enormous.

Enter Aunty C (my counsellor and literally my life saver) who promises to manage me from the 200 odd mile distance and pep talk me over Skype for as long as I need her.

Leaving the few friends I have is a terrifying prospect, but my gut tells me that my London days are over and my future lies elsewhere, so it will be interesting to see where and how I am doing in 12 months time.  If I was going to theme 2016 I would hazard a guess that the word ‘Changes’ would be most relevant.

But, I reiterate, I make no resolutions or promises this time. I’ve let both you lot and myself down too many times for that.

In the meantime I wish you all an amazing 2016 and hope that it’s a good one.

Namaste bitches

SS x

 

 


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2015 – THE YEAR OF ‘GET HAPPY’

happy_new_year_2015_champagne

Here we are again.  Another year nearly over.

And whilst looking back to December 2013, and acknowledging that things seem to have gotten worse, I no longer have the expectation that making a list of New Year Resolutions to work through and tick off is an appropriate strategy for someone with EUPD, or indeed any kind of mental illness.

Human beings in general, let alone us crazies, are much more complicated than that, otherwise there’d be no such thing as irrational phobias and fears, unhealthy addictions would not supersede our higher selves and ALL diets and fitness training plans would work because we would apply ourselves to them without question.

So there you go. BUT, as I’ve bored you all year with my pain, failures and woes to date, I’m actually going to try and focus on the positive and try NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE!

So what was good about 2014?

WORK

I’ve done some successful bits of work in the last year and have even been in the papers, so I should give myself a pat on the back there.  I dabbled in a baking business, and maybe gave up a tad too soon, so perhaps that is something to revisit come 2015.

FRIENDS/FAMILY/LOVED ONES

I can count the number of people I can rely on on one hand, but I am learning to manage my expectations with regard to the others.  Making friends isn’t a problem for me.  When I’m in fun mode, I attract people to me, no doubt about it. Keeping them is.

I think I’m getting better at it.

SELF ACCEPTANCE

Whilst I still can’t say I like my appearance I think I am learning to accept the way I look, the ageing process and other things about myself.  The other day I was subjected to a barrage of romantic intent (see DATING/SEX) AND I looked like cack as I barely had any make up on so maybe it’s not all about having the perfect nose, a botoxed brow and perky titties?

DATING/SEX

Danny-Dyer-deviation

I’m still a born again virgin (coming up for 4 – 5 years now – practically healed up), but whilst doing some volunteer work I was heavily pursued by a big hairy, lairy dude, who kept calling me his new wife, bringing me bottles of water and little treats all day.  And whilst he’s not really my type, is barely literate AND smokes, I was pathetically enchanted by these crude overtures, and that he kept calling me ‘Princess’ and ‘Treacle’ in a very butch cockney accent.

Ludicrous really.  I’m embarrassed for myself.

I wonder if God has figured out yet that our hormones and genitalia are seriously unreliable when choosing one’s mate? Because it also turns out that he’s not as strong as he appears and could be quite vulnerable beneath that brash exterior.

Great.  Just great.  Another casualty of war. 😦

BUT we’re still chatting and I’m going to try and not be too judgemental.

PHYSICAL HEALTH

I am in pretty good shape really, considering that I neglect and test my poor old carcass with daily mistreatment, so if I start to look after myself better in 2015, it can only improve. Right?

Plus I’m still working on my…

ANGER

….and working out helps tamp my temper down.  Look, anger is at the heart of me.  I haven’t figured out why, or why it’s so all encompassing, but I’m a whole lot better at controlling it nowadays. Despite the fact I screamed abuse at a call centre worker only this very morning, because they’d pushed my patience to the very edge.  Yet again.

Ahem…this is a work in progress y’know?

FINANCES

I lived off one years money for nearly two and a half years, so I don’t need to earn as much as I did in order to survive.  Good news right?  Except I don’t just want to survive anymore.  I want to LIVE more fully and have some fucking….

FUN WITH FRIENDS

….so I do need a swift and steady cash injection in order to participate fully.

I’m also trying really hard to find ‘fun’ friends as per Aunty C’s instructions, but need to figure out what I’m putting out that attracts the walking wounded to me, and how to change that frequency.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all my friends, and empathise fully with my fellow casualties, but sometimes feel a bit like Jack Dawson, as I attempt to clamber on board a bit of raft in order to save myself, but keep finding people who need/deserve it more that keep dragging me off, so I just go along with it instead of piping up ‘Budge your fat ass over Rose, you selfish bitch, before my dick falls off, and then I can get us both some help!’

FILM: Titanic (1997), with Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack Dawson and

After all, like all the airline flight attendants inform us when we’re busy browsing our Duty Free pamphlets whilst lingering on the tarmac, in an emergency, we have to give ourselves oxygen first in order to survive long enough to save our vulnerable, so could someone please tell me where all the fun people are?!

AirplaneOxygenMasks-1161

Or is it my duty to fix the weak ones before I can move on?  All very confusing really, but I’m going to try and do a bit of both, that’s fair isn’t it?

GOALS

I have goals.  Yes I do.  I’m just not going to look at them too closely as there is no surety or clear path for me right now and that’s pretty scary, plus I know my inner saboteur will put on my Doc Martens and stamp the shit out of them. This I have been proving for two years now.  My inner sab can turn the most enjoyable thing into a chore in my mind, so I’m keeping stuff under my hat for now.

Ssshhhh…

FORGIVENESS

I’m a whole lot better at this nowadays too.  Maybe hard times do make one into a better person. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments of ‘Fuck them’ and the desire to block people out of my life still seems to be my psyche’s knee jerk reflex of choice, but this is all becoming all the more obvious to me, because of my group….

THERAPY

Gawd.  This has been hard, continues to be hard and I have no idea if I’m going to be able to stay in London in order to complete it, but it’s been a fucking education to date.  Not necessarily because of the specific discipline, or because I rate the shrinks, but seeing your shit reenacted by others is beyond cringeworthy which impels one to do better with regard to certain kinds of behaviours.

I still don’t think it’s a good idea to get too friendly with my group fellows, nor do I like all of them, but they are some of the  best teachers I’ve ever had and I can only applaud and appreciate them for their presence, and be as kind as i can to all of us as the process continues.

Right at this moment in time, I should be very worried and uncertain, but I am starting to realise that hiding away and settling with survival does not a positive life make. So whilst on paper, I have very little reason to be confident and excited about the year ahead, I’m going to try and be happy and get out there and see what I can achieve for myself. This is of course, no easy feat and there will be plenty of times that I’ll be back in my pit of despair, but I’m going to try and control my mind a little more, make positive affirmations and at least try and see if it has any affect.

I’ve been OK over the seasonal period and survived it, but that says it all really.

That word again.

Oddly enough the thing I enjoyed most over the last week or so was the charity work, grafting flat out for a common goal.  And yes, I suppose the little flirtation and attention I got kinda upped the ante a little too. But it’s important for me to recognise and record the times and things that have made me happy or contented in the past.

Such as:

Working as a team with fun people.

Horse riding in the Spanish mountains.

Being around animals.

Getting praise for things I have done.

Being accepted.

Nurturing and being nurtured.

Getting attention from the opposite sex.

Had to note down that last one, as I’d much sooner ignore it.

AND I MUSTN’T IGNORE IT!

Because maybe there is someone out there who I can be around who’ll add value to my life.

Re New Year’s Eve, I’m actually not going out tonight, because there was nothing very interesting happening, but I think this is a positive thing, as there is no act more lonely than to hurl yourself out of the door and attach yourself to someone, anyone, rather than be alone at the stroke of midnight.

And it’s not like I haven’t been here before, and only good things came out of that.  Like this blog! 🙂

Thank you to all of you for your friendship and continual support.

I’ll keep on keepin’ on and hope you do too.

Happy 2015!

Love and kisses Sista xxx

2014-12-28-1746_54a033cce087c341a3941537 https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/12/31/last-flight-update-2013-back-on-the-tarmac/


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sunshineaward

I logged into my account for the first time in 2014 and imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was nominated for another Sunshine Award by the lovely Jenifer from the most engaging Busted Flip Flops.

I can only imagine that this is wishful thinking and she hopes that I might cheer the fuck up already, but if anything I have written has made her smile, then I’m extremely chuffed as she pretty much emanates positivity herself and I could learn a lot from her.

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If I had a different head/life/karma that is 😉

OK, so in accepting this award, I must follow a few rules.  The first is to list 11 random facts about myself.  As if you don’t know too much already.…

FACTS

1)  I haven’t had sex for three years and am completely dead from the waist down.  Whatdaya mean, that’s not very sunny?!

2)  I see dead people. As in ghosts, not in a mortuary. That would be weird.

3)  Keanu Reeves perved at my boobs and grinned at me once.  I was absurdly flattered and went rather giddy for about an hour!  Sorry Jen 😉 believe me it was a LONG time ago….

4)  I love the smell of fireworks and struck matches.

5)  I walked out of my job (OK I was sacked) in 2012 and haven’t worked since.

6)  I am, by all accounts Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD by any other name) and am awaiting group therapy.  That should be a laugh.

7)  I’m a pretty darn good cook which is just as well as I am a die hard feeder so people don’t tend to mind too much.

8)  Hair has inexplicably started to grow out of my nose, and I now have to trim it.  Only goes to prove that God must be a man the perverse, sadistic git.

9)  I’m a bit of a poet and I didn’t know it!  Until I started writing this blog that is. 🙂

10)  I think marijuana should be legalised, then I could buy some without risking arrest/a panic attack.

11)  I used to be very, very intimidating according to one of my friends.  I am so going to slap her silly when I see her next. 🙂

bitch-slap-cat

Now another rule I must follow is to answer 11 QUESTIONS:

What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning?  Yell out in pain and shove one of the cats off my boobs.

What is your greatest fear?  That my life on this earth has been for nothing.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2014?  Yes, some of them are in here https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/fearless/

What is your favorite song at the moment? ‘Diane Young’ by Vampire Weekend

What is your favorite childhood memory?  In all fairness, I don’t have many, but remember getting a nurses outfit for Christmas when I was very small?

Facebook or Twitter?  I tweet a bit under this pseudo name, but waste more time on Facebook.  Trying to cut down.

What did the last text message you received say?  Was from a friend saying he could come out for my birthday 🙂

What bugs you the most?  EVERYTHING!  Sorry again Jen, but I’m HSP so a natural whinging pom as the Aussies would say.  I’m a lot better nowadays thought so I’ll narrow it down to a few.  Mainly aggression, bullies, people taking liberties and bad manners.  Oh and littering.  I once picked up a burger that a tourist just dropped in the street, ran after him and asked him sweetly to stop littering MY city and find a bin, whilst squishing it back into his big, sweaty, startled mitt.  It goes without saying that this was before I was on medication….

What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house?  My log fire.  I do not like being cold.

If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room, what would it be? ‘Female of the Species’ by Space http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1NBpVKWh_c to remind me of when I was once one formidable biatch 😉

What’s your favorite movie quote?  “Anyone check you for a heartbeat recently?” – The Last Seduction.  Also “Monty, you terrible ****!” from Withnail and I still makes me laugh out loud.  And who doesn’t love ‘We are the knights who say….”Ni!”‘ from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now I am to nominate 11 bloggers I would like to give the Sunshine Award, and they are as follows:

How Is Bradley?

Finding Beauty In Spite of Myself

The Mirror

vic briggs

Running for My Life

menomama3

Chatty Owl

starkinsanity

sheketechad

EightLeggedGemini

navigator1965

People I know these things take ages to do, but if nothing else, I wanna know your opinions!

Thanks again Jenifer!

SS x


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I’M LATE, I’M LATE….

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Yes, its me, Ms Tardy for the Party, as per usual.

What I am late for this time?  

Well pretty much everything actually.

Advancing in my yoga, setting up my business, my hideous fledgling novel on ‘na noo na noo’ or whatever they call it (and only three days in too!) and of course, achieving my aims and resolutions for this year.

And only eight weeks to go.

Of course I have realised that my advancement relied and relies on so much more than mere box ticking and that advancements, especially spiritually, have taken place that I never thought possible.

I also finally realised that I’ll never totally beat this condition; it is a part of me that I will always have to manage, make allowances for and nurture myself in it WITHOUT letting my FEAR rule me or allowing myself to hide from the world.

From a financial aspect, 2013 has cost me greatly, as I have not earned anything, not claimed any benefits and have gradually eaten away at my savings, but without this time away from the rat race I might not even be alive, so whilst I am poor I have much to be grateful for.

My main hurdle for the latter part of 2013 is to do those things for myself that only I can do, but for some reason deprive myself out of fear, self loathing, self protection or whatever.

I haven’t done an update for a couple of months and when I tried to today, I realised that I had let a lot slip AGAIN and am sat metaphorically on the school bus feverishly scribbling down my homework.

But I can’t explain how hard it it to motivate myself and get past my terror of ‘I don’t know what’ when I am for the most part all alone, and can get away with hibernating without anyone getting on my case about it.

But I can, must, WILL keep trying.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow…..

I will hold off doing a proper update until the end of the year, when, I hope to have a gleaming school report, resplendent with gold stars!  Or big, splatty inkblots more like….

Thank you for your patience and big love to all xxxx

 


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THE SAME OLD SONG – ‘FLIGHTS’ UPDATE MAY 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS2nWLz-AbE

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Doesn’t time fly?  Nearly half way through the year now….gulp….

Once again here is my monthly ‘Phoenix Flights’ progress report on my aims/ambitions for this year.

As usually, the psychological model/imaginary friend  my counsellor insists I use, ‘The Good Parent’ or my higher, kinder self will be giving me advice, encouragement and action points.

The theme this month?  Song titles!

Please reassured that wherever possible I’ve used good songs and avoided the shit ones.

 

GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY

Getting Better – The Beatles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk0dBZ1meio

When I look back to January/February when I hardly went out at all, things have improved.  Somewhere in my head however, I do sometimes think ‘What’s the point, you’ll only spend money’ and I’m had a run of really bad days, but like the song says, it’s getting better all the time 🙂

Good Parent – ‘Sigh…..keep it up please’

 

BE UP DRESSED AND READY BY 9AM EVERY DAY

Lazybones – Mills Brothers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGCybdNTle4

This is still a difficult one.  I’m a natural night owl so I go to bed late, and only get up after the cats bounce off chest yowling furiously.  If I have an appointment or someone is coming round, I make it happen.

Good Parent –If you can’t motivate yourself to get into a routine, get a job then you’ll have to.  Actually, get a job anyway!’

 

WATCH LESS TV

Fade Away and Radiate – Blondie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L6YZ0Xx7uA

Yup.  I’m still a bit of a TV zombie, especially when down, but have some days when I completely turn off.

Actually that’s a lie.  I have days when I watch less.  Usually when I’m out….

Good Parent – Stop it.  And get a job.’

 

TURN UP/STOP CANCELLING ARRANGEMENTS

Reach Out I’ll Be There – Gloria Gaynor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRUHpFqF02g

Yaay!  Disco! 🙂

Again, I’m getting pretty good at this.  Unless I’m having a dark day or something is going to be shit, I turn up.

Good Parent – ‘Keep up the good work.’

 

KEEP/MAKE NEW FRIENDS

Rip It Up – Orange Juice

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESy-Z8vqMrE

Chill people – anyone who follows this blog will know that I didn’t lose a new one, just put a very old one out of it’s misery.  Tried to sort it out, but it was time to rip it up and, yes, start again.

Friends – Bette Midler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x1R50zNV1I

That’s not to say I didn’t have any close calls.  One of my new friends, in her usual tactless fashion accused me in a less than subtle, rather public fashion of something I was not happy about, and I tore a bit of a strip of her, which is what she deserved. But the next day, I did not sulk and we started afresh.  Because I value her and her friendship. And let’s face it, we can all be a bit of a twat sometimes….

But things are good, I’m making new friends all the time, with the existing friendships are getting stronger.  And it means a lot.

Good Parent – Good stuff! And you might want to try and make peace with another of your estranged buddies?  If only to make things easier when your paths next cross?’

 

LOOK AFTER MYSELF

Jump To It – Aretha Franklin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mgxp2vsHCg

OK, I’ve been more active than last month, but there’s definitely room for improvement.  My old war injuries have been playing up which didn’t help, but am trying…..

Good Parent – ‘Your chiro told you exercise helps, so don’t even try that one, come on, you know you feel better when you work out….’

 

DANCE

Alicia Bridges – I Love The Nightlife

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vT306cZL0pM

Dancing has somehow turned into my salvation of late, and as soon as my ballroom classes finished I went to Ceilidh to get my kicks.

Be it ballroom, salsa or traditional Scottish jigs, I just gotta boogie on the disco aahhh, oh yeah…. 🙂

Good Parent – ‘Great news!  Don’t give up on ballroom though, it would be silly to let all those lessons go to waste, book the intermediates course ASAP.’

 

DRINKING AT HOME

Got to Give It Up – Marvin Gaye

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRcVQDELAd4

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pissing it up all the time, but have been trying to ‘use up’ a bottle of flavoured vodka and it doesn’t seem be going down.  I also drink on dates and because I’m not used to it anymore, probably appear like a lush, not good….

Good Parent – ‘Pour it down the sink.  BOOM!  Job done!’

 

GET WORK/A JOB/EARN MONEY

Ben Howard – The Fear

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnxCxHLAqn8

Not even going to bullshit on this one.  I’ve hardly done jack.

I’m so fucking scared.

Of what? Falling back into my former line of work.  Taking something menial and my ex colleague laughing/gloating when they hear about it.  Interviews.  My shit memory.  Being judged.   Anyone trying to seek references from Wankers R Us.  People not liking me.  Being knocked back. Rejection.

Doing it on my own.

For all of my life I’ve been alone in so many ways, and even as a kid I was never supported or praised, never had my parents take an interest in me or help me with my homework, or encourage me to be something. Indeed all of my family took the piss out of me and made me feel stupid, ugly and worthless.  So when I have to do anything new, I have no confidence and at any sign of impatience or derision, I bail rather than look a fool or be made to feel like that stupid, awkward, unloved, goofy kid.

I did look into a couple of things, but everything I try and explore falls by the wayside.

I can’t see a way forward, so I ignore it and pretend I’m safe. But it all comes out in my dreams every night….

Good Parent – ‘Don’t beat yourself up.  We’ll keep on trying.  Have faith.’

 

DATING/SEX

Over and Over – Sylvester

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGNLkSDq73k

Sigh…..

OK, I’ve been on this dating website for about six weeks now, and I’m NOT renewing this time.

It’s no ones fault, but going off to meet total strangers over and over again and answering endless e-mails from weirdo men who get the hump if you don’t chase them, say the wrong thing or don’t fulfil their criteria is fast losing it’s charm.

It’s like having endless job interviews for positions you don’t actually even want, and I’m bored now.

That said, I have my third meeting with GM tomorrow, I do however think we’re more buddies than anything else.

Oh and one bloke at Ceilidh seems to like me….

Good Parent – ‘Friends is fine, just see what happens….’

 

LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR

We Close Our Eyes – Go West

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9s9vmrJkV8

NO!

Good Parent – ‘OK, calm down dear and work on it!’

 

FORGIVE

Let it Be – Beatles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajCYQL8ouqw

YES!

Good Parent – ‘Good!’

 

THE ARTIST’S WAY

Forget Me Nots – Patrice Rushton

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2XhhuM9GZo

Duh, this ain’t happening really is it?

Good Parent – ‘Try one more time, then you can leave it if you keep forgetting to do it.’

 

KEEP NURTURING MY CREATIVITY

Make It (Funky) – James Brown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2D2oUNTbjU

Did a bit more than last month and am taking workshops and classes.

Good Parent – ‘Keep it up!’ 

 

YOGA

This Womans Work – Kate Bush

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raVfK6__rJ0

I’m still stalling a bit and I think it’s because I’ve been told to practice in a certain way and have to do it at home on my own, so it feels more like a chore, and I don’t get to enjoy that community spirit  or the fun you get when you practice with others.

I also feel poleaxed because I need to make a decision about my training moving forward 😦

Good Parent – ‘Take back your power and find a class you like whether its the way you’ve been told to do it or not, and make it a pleasure again.’

 

Some good progress, but still far so far to go, so many promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep…..


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‘PEACE AND LOVECATS’ – FLIGHTS UPDATE – APRIL

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Once again, for your delectation, my monthly ‘Pheonix Flights’ progress report on my aims/ambitions for this year.

After the initial shaky start, April has actually been quite good all in all 🙂 .

However, since Lent finished, I have lapsed back into being a lazy, late sleepin’, TV watching old sloth, but these days are numbered as the communal heating goes off in a couple of days which should help get my lazy ass out of the door, so best foot forward for May!

As per last month, my psychological model/imaginary friend ‘The Good Parent’ (who Aunty C bangs on about all the time) will be the ‘voice’ of my Action Points.

<Jeez, no wonder I’m friggin’ barking….>

As I am rapidly running out of ‘airborne things’ to stay in keeping with the ‘Flights’ theme (even last months insects were more crawly than fliers), so let’s dig deeper into the animal kingdom and look at the world of le Chat :-).

 

GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY

Ragdoll/Burmese Cross

Whilst I still have that Ragdoll urge to just flop out, my  more outgoing Burmese side is coming more and more to the fore.

So, whilst I recognise and finally accept that I will always need my duvet days and a bit of solitude, I am a whole lot more willing to get out and about nowadays.

Action Point – Keep it up and make the most of the duvet days whilst you still can (see Earn Money)!’

 

BE UP AND DRESSED BY 9A.M. EVERY DAY

The Runt of the Litter

I have no choice with regard to the time that I awake because according the house hierarchy, I appear to be the Runt of the Litter, given that my cats generally bully me into wakefulness every day by jumping on my most tender body parts, scratching my scalp, batting me in the eye with their paws, and most recently, chewing my hair.  That said, I tend to stagger off to the kitchen, feed ‘em, then slink back to my pit whilst they are tucking in.

Nil points!

Also, like all cats, I’m a bit nocturnal so still not good at getting to bed before midnight.

Action Point –As per last month, go to bed on time and get up as soon as cats arrive’.

 

WATCH LESS TV

The House Cat

Like the House Bound Cat, who has nothing better to do, I’ve lapsed back into the super bad habit of staring at the box for hour after hour, and especially at trash daytime TV.  So I acknowledge and recognise that I must put aside my addiction to ITV2 and mad, overprivileged American ‘Housewives’ bitching at nothing and screaming at one another and focus on more important things instead.

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Action Point – Bad kitty!  Only watch quality stuff, no more than a couple of hours a day maximum.’

 

TURN UP/STOP CANCELLING ARRANGEMENTS

Top Cat

I’m pretty proud of myself on this one!  I’ve only pulled out of arrangements when really tired, I turned up for all of my yoga modules and I made it to a party on Saturday after a big panic attack.

Hey, hey, hey!

Action Point – Keep up the good work.’

 

KEEP/MAKE NEW FRIENDS

The Burmese

The Burmese is not only friendly but a ‘chatty’ cat, and like this gorgeous kitty, I have been very sociable this month, seen more of my existing friends and made a few new ones too!

Being an Empath I tend to get a bit overwhelmed by people sometimes and can be a bit lazy at small talk, but I’ve been careful about who I’ve spent time with so I don’t get drained, I’m open to believing that I’m likeable enough to be friends with, and have made more effort in social situations, so pretty pleased with my progress here :-).

During the course of 2013, certain people have moved or are moving out of my life, but lots are moving in, so I’ve just got to have faith in the process and that everything has been and is for the best.

Action PointKeep up the good work, and trust your own instincts.  When you’re comfortable being your self, the right people do and will come and stay into your life.’

 

LOOK AFTER MYSELF

The Persian

Like the Persian I have been a bit lazy this month.

Unlike the Persian who weighs no more than a bag of feathers, I have put some excess timber on that needs to come off ASAP :-(.

My diet hasn’t been that bad, but have had a couple of pasta nights with friends, oops….

Action Point – Lay off the lasagne Garfield, and join some kind of Bootcamp club or hire a (cheap) personal trainer if you can’t discipline yourself.’

 

DANCE

The Aristocats

Just like Thomas O’Mally and Duchess, I’ve been cutting a rug quite a lot recently both at ballroom lessons and at a recent party I had a good salsa (and a little more besides) and really enjoy both.

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Rinky tinky tinky!

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Sorry had to share this picture too, this cat looks just like me at a salsa club, just about to stick my stiletto into some dirty bastard’s foot 🙂

Action Point – Sign up for the Intermediate Ballroom course and find somewhere nice to salsa where you won’t get groped.’

 

DRINKING AT HOME

The Bengal

Most cats aren’t that fussed about drinking, but the Bengal really likes water, and I’ve learned to embrace H2O of an evening and have largely eschewed drinking alcohol at home.

And if I really fancy a tipple?  I have ONE G&T rather than open a bottle of wine which would then need to be finished over the next few days.  Oh and every now and then I have hot milk laced with Baileys before bed 🙂

Action Point – ‘Well done, keep it up!  Your liver and skin with love you for it!’

 

GET WORK/A JOB/EARN MONEY

The Scaredy Cat

Speaks for itself doesn’t it?!

Apart from Saturday night, I’ve done really well with regard to managing panic attacks and keeping the Fear at bay and I’m afraid that if I go back out into the corporate world, it will all come flooding back, and I don’t think I can take that, as I’ve come so far and never want to be that person again.

But money doesn’t grow on trees, so I’m going to try making stuff and selling it, be it cake, toiletries or toys and keep my eye open for a part time job so I don’t get overwhelmed by a 5 day week.  I’m also exploring going back into remedial massage.

Action Point – Well, that rendered anything I have to say obsolete, didn’t it?!’

 

DATING/SEX

The Siamese

OK, so whilst I haven’t exactly been a sex kitten, as like the Siamese I’m discerning about whom I get close to, but I do like a cuddle from the right guy, and am a lot more chatty and flirty around the male of the species of late.

Also something has started purring again, and I’ll give you a clue, it’s not my mouth, it’s my p…..

Yes, my libido appears to be back, haven’t checked my orgasm for a while so must see if that is any better, and will report back accordingly ;-).

Dating wise, I met Groin Guy, and he was nice but there was no chemistry but I haven’t arranged anything else for a while but do have a date tonight, which I’m not looking forward to, as we spoke on the phone and he sounded a bit insincere/potentially duplicitous to me.  I know, I can’t really judge him before I meet him (which is why I’m going) but my instincts are second to none and I’m already getting alarm bells….

But I’m going!  I promise….

I also seems to be getting attention from some younger toms in the ‘hood, but just can bring myself to go there, alas….

Action Point – Don’t you dare bail on tonight!  I know you want to…. Arrange one date a week until something happens, or failing that, shag that Italian Stallion before your foof goes into a massive sulk again….’

 

LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR

Cat-astrophe (sorry…)

I’m not even going to try and fudge this one.

I don’t like what I see.

My belly is fatter but my face is thinner and my neck is getting more and more scraggy.  My skin is drying up and veins are starting to show through my legs, and every now and again I get a Dennis Healy eyebrow hair that curls up and takes on a life of its own.  Oh and my hands are starting to look ancient….

Action Point –You can’t look that bad if you are attracting young blokes at parties? Anyway remember that saying about the words you speak ending up being your life?  Try and see your good points rather than the bad.’ 

Yes, but he just wanted a…

‘Enough!  No more negatives, do as you are told.’

 

FORGIVE

The Sleeping Cat

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The Sleeping Cat is apparently the symbol of peace in Japan, and you will be surprised to discover that I am not angry with anyone anymore.

Not even my old boss and he’s a total cock….

This is progress indeed, I can’t remember a time when I’ve not been furious with someone….

Action Point – Who are you? And more to the point, what have you done with Sista?!’

 

THE ARTIST’S WAY

Claw-ful…

Typical eh, as soon as I add this to the list I stop doing it….

If I remember rightly, I was doing the evening pages one night, trying to get some help on something from God and nothing happened.

Nada.

In fact I felt worse, so I think it put me off a bit…..

Action Point – Give it another go, just pick up where you left off.’

 

KEEP NURTURING MY CREATIVITY

Paws-itive 🙂

I have and I do, but I could do more…..

Am (obviously) still writing, still knitting but have a boxful of fabric that I have yet to put to good use….

Action Point – Start making things and when you perfect them, you can sell them and set up your own company!’ 

 

YOGA

Shivasana Cat

I’ve given Yoga its own posting as I’ve been really neglectful of late and it’s typical of me, I find something I love, then I stop doing it.

Why?  I have no fucking clue.

So whilst I’m great at Shivasana, this will not bring me customers come Autumn.

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Action Point – Get Downward Dogging already!  And do something EVERY SINGLE DAY.’

 

So.  Not a bad month all in all!

I’m not such a shitty kitty anymore, and with the right mate, could even be a Lovecat 🙂  As long as my boyz approve, natch….

I’ve finally achieved some level of forgiveness, I’m more sociable, less anxious but still have stuff to work on.

Wish me luck on that date tonight, just hoping I don’t get sprayed….


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‘FLIGHTS’ UPDATE AKA ‘INSECTS, FLIES AND BEDBUG RAPE’ – MARCH 2013

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Here we go again, my monthly ‘Pheonix Flights’ progress report on my aims/ambitions for this year.

It’s good though, as it’s making me do something after a three day downer and after a particularly challenging month, I’m still up to my eyebrows in tar. Bye, bye Easter, don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out…..

This time, in keeping with the flight theme, I’ve used examples from the Insect World for illustrative purposes. Urgh…:

 

GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY

The Bluebottle

I am a bit like the rather disgusting Bluebottle, inasmuch as in Winter you’ll sometimes see one or two outside, but there are loads more out when the weather gets warmer.

I am better at going out actually (apart from my ‘bad’ days) the pedometer is really good motivation as you feel great when you hit 10,000 steps, as are visits to my beloved favourite London park.   So I am getting there.

Action Point – Go on more organised forays.

 

BE UP AND DRESSED BY 9A.M. EVERY DAY

The Bedbug/Nightfly

The Bedbug, like me, likes being in bed. Yes I know that’s lame, but it’s true.

My mogs conspire against me every day though, especially Dex who has taken to clawing at my scalp when he wants his breakfast and trying to eat my hair. So far I’ve managed to stop him swallowing any, but maybe I should let him have some, would make an interesting grey/blonde fur ball…..

I’m also still a bit of a Nightfly, so need to commit to getting to bed by midnight every night.

Action Point – Go to bed on time and get up as soon as cats arrive. Unless it’s 5 am like it was the other morning. Little shits….

 

WATCH LESS TV

The Ant

I’ve actually triumphed a bit at this one, as I managed to give it up for a whole six days, by keeping myself busy (hence the hard working Ant) but have realised that I do need to be able to fall back on it when really down, otherwise I could do something more destructive instead, but v proud of myself :-).

Action Point – Only watch quality programmes/movies, no more than a couple of hours a day maximum.

 

TURN UP/STOP CANCELLING ARRANGEMENTS

The Hornet(’s Nest)

Hmmm, anyone who’s following this blog will know that this is a sore subject. ‘Nuff said! See ‘Friends’ (and I use that term loosely) for more info.

On the plus side, I’ve tried very hard to be more sociable, and am working on my tardiness but this month have probably been more ‘cancelled on’ than ‘cancelling’.

Oh well, some days you’re the pigeon, other days the statue….

Oh also see the ‘Dance’ section, am turning up for that so far :-).

Action Point – Keep up the good work.

 

KEEP/MAKE NEW FRIENDS

The Praying Mantis v The Wasp

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So, as the title suggests, things got a little heated in this area and I am a ‘friend’ (or rather a Wasp) down because I was 15 minutes late when going to meet her. I decided to go home because I didn’t want a confrontation, but after a lot of angry buzzing from my mobile and in my earhole, I retaliated and all hell broke lose.

I’ve thought (and prayed 🙂 ) about this a lot and I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I’d turned up things would have kicked off that night. And even if my bus had turned up, and I’d made it to the restaurant on time, there would have been another occasion where I’d have been late as being on time is a challenge for me.

Also when I look back, we usually met at her home or I was the one making the longest journey so she rarely went out of her way, and on the few occasions she came to mine, she was actually late too!

In hindsight I haven’t seen that much of her anyway, so I accept her decision to end the friendship and hope that if our paths cross again, things will be kept cordial as we still have friends in common.

On the plus side, I have made new friends via yoga, the pub quiz, baking and walking and my few real friendships are pretty strong, so I am grateful for this.

Action Point – Keep up the good work.

 

LOOK AFTER MYSELF

The Firefly

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The Firefly is a rather complex yoga pose (sorry I HAD to share this picture! WTF?!) and whilst I’m not quite at crotch displaying level I am beavering away (sorree…).

I have been walking a lot more too, so pretty pleased with myself actually.

My diet hasn’t been very strict though, but to be fair, it is Easter!

Action Point – Get back on track with monitoring my food intake, maybe start running as opposed to walking and keep doing yoga every day.

 

DANCE

The Honey Bee

The Honey Bee apparently uses a figure of eight dance to communicate to the rest of the hive, to tell them which direction to go and find the best flowers, whilst all of the others crowd round her and touch her with their antennae.

Sounds a bit like some of the ‘too close for comfort’ salsa sessions, I’ve had in the past….

Whilst as far as I’m concerned, everyone can keep their antennae to themselves, I am enjoying my ballroom course and am getting used to being at close quarters with the male of the species again. It still freaks me out a bit but I have to get used to it if I want to get any good at this.

Action Point – Keep it up and practice at home!

 

DRINKING AT HOME

The Piophila/Wine Fly

The Piophila is otherwise known as the Wine Fly because it lays it’s eggs in fermented food such as, well, wine. And cheese! Classic combo Piophila, good call….

Giving up alcohol for Lent was a challenge, but I did it, and it was a real learning curve. Whilst I’m looking forward to having dinner with wine, and being able to have a tipple in a pub again I’m certainly not going back to having a glass (or three) of wine a day, so don’t plan to be found buzzing around ‘in the bottle’ any time soon.

Action Point – Well done! Drink in moderation from now on.

 

GET WORK/A JOB

The Butterfly Pupa

I’m still kind of stewing away Pupa like in my little sanctuary hoping to break out very soon, when the time is right. Am applying for jobs but no cracks in the chrysalis as yet….

Action Point – Explore volunteer work to get me back out there for a couple of days a week (yes, I know I said this last month….)

 

DATING/SEX

The Scorpion

The sex lives of insects are, as you might expect, less than romantic and tend to be a little rough and ready. Well, downright brutal actually. Females are gang raped and their abdomens pierced by spiny phalluses (thank you Bed Bugs), males are decapitated and eaten (whoops, naughty Praying Mantis) and their penises ripped off (serves ’em right 😉 ), so being a suspicious, defensive Scorpion with an almighty sting in her tail is not necessarily a bad thing.

Oh wait. I’m human 😦 .

Whilst I am a little less spiky/dangerous these days, and unlikely to rip off anyone’s head mid coitus (unless they are really crap), I am still a little indifferent to dating and indeed sex.

I am active on line though and am talking to an ‘actor/director’ on my dating website 🙂 but didn’t gush enough about his career so may not hear from him again 😦 . That said, a retired cop who contacted me last year is back in touch, but he sounds like a big red groin on legs and I might have to whack him with my stinger if he jumps me, so will tread carefully with this one.

Having strange sexual dreams, probably down to Scary Man juice, but still have to remind myself to masturbate, so very slow progress all in all.

Yawn…..

Action Point – Persevere, you might warm up if/when you meet someone you gel with.

 

LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR

The Moth

Like the Moth, I’m pretty drab nowadays. I don’t bother much with my appearance, live in black/beige/grey sweats and can’t remember the last time I wore a skirt and flashed a bit of leg. I also seem to be banging my head painfully against a brick wall (or in the moth’s case a hot light bulb) when trying to progress with this one, so still not keen on encountering my reflection.

It’s really hard to motivate myself to get tarted up when I don’t go out that much. Sigh…

Action Point – Find something to get dressed up for, stoopid…

 

FORGIVE

The Tarantula

I’m sorry, but FUCK THIS.  I just wanna rear up and  STRIKE….

Right now I’m too angry and hurt to even try and forgive certain people. I’m sure it will come one day.

Maybe.

Action Point – Pray.  Again. WTF am I doing it wrong?!  Are you up there/listening, God?!! HELLOOOO?

 

THE ARTIST’S WAY

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Thought I’d add this as my Artist’s Way ‘weeks’ are a bit like bus stop waiting time minutes, i.e. a nothing to do with accuracy and everything to do with hanging in there as something will materialise eventually. Like the Itsy Bitsy Spider, I slip off, but keep on getting back up again!

I’m hanging in there and don’t always do the morning rant, sorry pages, but tend to feel better if I do. Will keep doing it until I finish but please don’t expect me to stick to the one week time line!

Me and time eh, not my strongest suit to say the least, maybe I should wear a massive clock around my neck like Flavor Flav…..

Action Point – Keep it up. As for time, no one is counting 🙂  For once.

 

KEEP NURTURING MY CREATIVITY

The (Nice) Spider

This is all getting very spidery and I hate ’em! WTF?

I wanted to end this on a high note and also big myself up a bit as I have to be good at something! Plus I never want to let this part of me go again, but need some motivation with regard to taking it a step further.

Like the Spider, I have been very industrious, and to date I have blogged every single day this year, and whilst my posts might not be everyone’s cup of chai, it’s one of the few things I’ve stuck to so I’m proud of myself for that.

Even on my worst days I’ve said or posted something and guess what?

It helps.  It really does.  I don’t know how I managed before without this outlet.

And I got a little award 🙂 🙂 ! Still so chuffed about that, saddo that I am….

RE other stuff, I’ve also cooked and baked, made cushion covers, am making a very complicated sweater (not however, with my bum 😉 ) and am going to try and make little toys out of scraps of material/offcuts and see if I can sell them online.

Action Point – Keep this blog up. It is your sanctuary, it’s nurturing and keeps you writing. Besides where will all those knicker pervs go if you take it off line?!

Get sewing too! This will maybe one day make you some money. Hopefully soon before you end up on the streets….

 

Hmm, the voice of the ‘Good Parent’ seems to have taken over the ‘Action Points’ sections, Aunty C will be so pleased!

So March was a mixed month, but I’m heartened as I’d forgotten that there were good things and there is everything to play for as we’re now (apparently) into Spring!

Oh that reminds me, must get some insect spray, hate those little fuckers….

Bring it on April!