Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


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NaNoWriMo 2013 – OH SHAZBOT, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

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Yes folks, I’ve committed to writing a 50,000 word novel in a month.

I know!

Gulp.  I can barely tear myself from the TV to write my blog most days, and I LOVE doing this, oh God, what have I done?

Also if I enter into the true spirit of this and literally start something from scratch, I have no idea what I’m going to write about.

AND 15 hours of Day One have already elapsed!

Still, me being me, there is no way I’d ever do it without something like this, and it will keep my mind wandering in and out of paranoid, panicky hell, so I can only do my best.

Need to earn money NOW, a new company to set up, yoga to do, baking to bake, blogs to blog and stories to fake, how did I get so busy?

This was never part of the plan; when WILL I get time to watch ‘Real Housewives’ and ‘Strictly’?

Let’s hope whatever I produce is out of this world…..

Sorry, that was lame, let me assure you that no matter how much time I have to dedicate to this novel, I won’t write shit like that for you ever again!

Wish me luck xx


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‘ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE’ REPRIEVE

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I’m being asked (or have been asking myself) to believe a great many unbelievable things of late.

Whether via ‘The Artist’s Way’, self help books, creativity workshops or even ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’, the message is that all I have to do is figure out what I want, visualise it, focus/concentrate/pray/all three and it will surely come my way.

Well, right now, whilst I pray, hope and ask for enlightenment, love and a sense of purpose and direction on a daily basis, I’m still waiting for something/someone/anything to happen as nearly a year has passed since my ‘crash and burn’ and I still haven’t made any tangible progress with regard to forging a new, self sufficient life for myself.

Maybe I’m not asking nicely enough?!

Don’t get me wrong; I think leaving my job and damn near having a total breakdown was probably one of the best things that has happened to me, as I’m starting to figure out who I really am (well, probably more like who I’m really not) and no longer have to pretend on a daily basis that everything is alright whilst wanting to jump out of a 10th floor window, but I have been dreading bumping into old friends or colleagues from that particular world, as I have no clue what I can say to them.

And now one of them, H, wants to meet up with me to ‘catch up’.

I can just imagine it.

 

‘Oh hi!  How are you?  Really?  Oh that’s great, good for you how amazing!’

Big smiles all round.

‘What? Who, me?’

My smile faltering somewhat….

‘Well I’ve been training to be a yoga teacher…..

Cue wide eyes and big enthusiastic smile from H.

….but not sure I’m going to follow it through as it’s all a bit cultish, and if I don’t join and do as the Guru says they might burn me in a Wicker Man….’

H’s eyes look confused and smile diminishes somewhat.

‘I’ve had some cool ideas for new businesses…..’

Relieved eyes and some cooing about my being very creative.

‘….but I haven’t really had the bottle to run with them as I’m scared to do it on my own….’

H’s eyes will suddenly, tinge with just a little impatience/contempt, as she glances down to look at her watch, no doubt hoping for a swift escape.

‘I’ve been on a few dates recently…..’

Eyes widen again. Something worth gossiping about at last?

‘….but nothing much has come of any of them, apart from one guy who thinks I’m a cardboard cut out stand in for his ex wife….’

H’s eyes say ‘BORED NOW!!’ and mouth makes soothing, apologetic noises as she picks up her coat, squeezes out of her seat, and her legs transport her towards the exit.

‘But I am getting better, being kinder and discovering more about myself every day!’

Footsteps quicken.

‘AND I’M NOT AS BONKERS AS I USED TO BE!  HONEST!!’

Door slams shut.

 

You see my problem?

Yes, I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, but I hate to think of my ex boss or those smug oh-so-sane bitches at Wankers R Us smirking away on hearing any such thing, or worse still, that I end up lying to her and making something up just so that doesn’t happen, as all they’ll see is that I’ve been out of work for a year because I’m still mad (true) and can’t get a job.

So, it seems to me that it’s all very well, this ‘Ask, Believe, Receive’ cosmic ordering malarky, but it doesn’t seem to be working for me at all.

On the job front, I have also been applying for roles (with some trepidation admittedly) that might both fill my wallet and my heart, but strangely enough, no one seems too keen to employ a 50 year old woman who’s been out of work for nearly a year.

On the dating front, I have finally deleted my online dating file and given the fuck up as nothing ever has or ever will come from being on them.  Then again, maybe you have to have Kim Zolciak levels of bullet proof self belief and confidence to attract the right man, settle down and play happy families.

The 2009 Fox Reality Channel Really Awards in LA

 

Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to be under forty, bleach blonde, with massive tits and an even larger bank account.

Seriously this woman and women like her totally fascinate and fill me with admiration.  When you see old photos of her, she was far from being a looker. Did that stop her? Hell, no.  She dyed her hair, had lots of surgery, bought a pile of wigs, had her tits done, got herself a sugar daddy, landed a TV show, shamelessly exploited her day to day life for rubberneckers like me, met the love of her life and made a fortune to boot.

Maybe if I hadn’t been so fucked up, I could have done the same?  Without the tits, wigs, sugar daddy and reality TV escapades of course.  I think.

But this is the thing. Miss Kim probably knew who she was, what she wanted and what she was prepared to do to get it pretty much from day one and set out to do just that, never letting anything get in her way, as is usually the case with successful people in all walks of life.

As for me, a line from a song from ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ springs to mind:

‘Poor, all my life I’ve always been poor

I keep askin’ God what I’m for

And he tells me, “Gee, I’m not sure

“Sweep that floor, kid!”‘

So whereas Kim Z is the equivalent of a blonde juggernaut, moving steadily, confidently and relentlessly through life, achieving her aims, crushing anything that gets in her way, I am the proverbial tent in the wind, blowing this way and that, occasionally skimming the ground, lingering, but never long enough to hammer just one peg into the earth and create a starting point for myself.

But what is the answer?  Wait until I can love and have confidence in myself and maybe then enlightenment will come my way?  How long will that take? Confidence is all very well, but will be fuck all use if I’m living in a cardboard box on the Embankment?  Or just have a punt, run with something and try something else if it doesn’t work out?

I’d like a clue, please God.  Just one fucking clue.  Pretty please. With a cherry on the top.

And if nothing comes of this desperate prayer then I’m going to give myself an ‘Ask, Believe, Receive’ reprieve, and get the fuck on with something as if I don’t start earning soon, I will end up sweeping floors….


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‘PEACE AND LOVECATS’ – FLIGHTS UPDATE – APRIL

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Once again, for your delectation, my monthly ‘Pheonix Flights’ progress report on my aims/ambitions for this year.

After the initial shaky start, April has actually been quite good all in all 🙂 .

However, since Lent finished, I have lapsed back into being a lazy, late sleepin’, TV watching old sloth, but these days are numbered as the communal heating goes off in a couple of days which should help get my lazy ass out of the door, so best foot forward for May!

As per last month, my psychological model/imaginary friend ‘The Good Parent’ (who Aunty C bangs on about all the time) will be the ‘voice’ of my Action Points.

<Jeez, no wonder I’m friggin’ barking….>

As I am rapidly running out of ‘airborne things’ to stay in keeping with the ‘Flights’ theme (even last months insects were more crawly than fliers), so let’s dig deeper into the animal kingdom and look at the world of le Chat :-).

 

GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY

Ragdoll/Burmese Cross

Whilst I still have that Ragdoll urge to just flop out, my  more outgoing Burmese side is coming more and more to the fore.

So, whilst I recognise and finally accept that I will always need my duvet days and a bit of solitude, I am a whole lot more willing to get out and about nowadays.

Action Point – Keep it up and make the most of the duvet days whilst you still can (see Earn Money)!’

 

BE UP AND DRESSED BY 9A.M. EVERY DAY

The Runt of the Litter

I have no choice with regard to the time that I awake because according the house hierarchy, I appear to be the Runt of the Litter, given that my cats generally bully me into wakefulness every day by jumping on my most tender body parts, scratching my scalp, batting me in the eye with their paws, and most recently, chewing my hair.  That said, I tend to stagger off to the kitchen, feed ‘em, then slink back to my pit whilst they are tucking in.

Nil points!

Also, like all cats, I’m a bit nocturnal so still not good at getting to bed before midnight.

Action Point –As per last month, go to bed on time and get up as soon as cats arrive’.

 

WATCH LESS TV

The House Cat

Like the House Bound Cat, who has nothing better to do, I’ve lapsed back into the super bad habit of staring at the box for hour after hour, and especially at trash daytime TV.  So I acknowledge and recognise that I must put aside my addiction to ITV2 and mad, overprivileged American ‘Housewives’ bitching at nothing and screaming at one another and focus on more important things instead.

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Action Point – Bad kitty!  Only watch quality stuff, no more than a couple of hours a day maximum.’

 

TURN UP/STOP CANCELLING ARRANGEMENTS

Top Cat

I’m pretty proud of myself on this one!  I’ve only pulled out of arrangements when really tired, I turned up for all of my yoga modules and I made it to a party on Saturday after a big panic attack.

Hey, hey, hey!

Action Point – Keep up the good work.’

 

KEEP/MAKE NEW FRIENDS

The Burmese

The Burmese is not only friendly but a ‘chatty’ cat, and like this gorgeous kitty, I have been very sociable this month, seen more of my existing friends and made a few new ones too!

Being an Empath I tend to get a bit overwhelmed by people sometimes and can be a bit lazy at small talk, but I’ve been careful about who I’ve spent time with so I don’t get drained, I’m open to believing that I’m likeable enough to be friends with, and have made more effort in social situations, so pretty pleased with my progress here :-).

During the course of 2013, certain people have moved or are moving out of my life, but lots are moving in, so I’ve just got to have faith in the process and that everything has been and is for the best.

Action PointKeep up the good work, and trust your own instincts.  When you’re comfortable being your self, the right people do and will come and stay into your life.’

 

LOOK AFTER MYSELF

The Persian

Like the Persian I have been a bit lazy this month.

Unlike the Persian who weighs no more than a bag of feathers, I have put some excess timber on that needs to come off ASAP :-(.

My diet hasn’t been that bad, but have had a couple of pasta nights with friends, oops….

Action Point – Lay off the lasagne Garfield, and join some kind of Bootcamp club or hire a (cheap) personal trainer if you can’t discipline yourself.’

 

DANCE

The Aristocats

Just like Thomas O’Mally and Duchess, I’ve been cutting a rug quite a lot recently both at ballroom lessons and at a recent party I had a good salsa (and a little more besides) and really enjoy both.

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Rinky tinky tinky!

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Sorry had to share this picture too, this cat looks just like me at a salsa club, just about to stick my stiletto into some dirty bastard’s foot 🙂

Action Point – Sign up for the Intermediate Ballroom course and find somewhere nice to salsa where you won’t get groped.’

 

DRINKING AT HOME

The Bengal

Most cats aren’t that fussed about drinking, but the Bengal really likes water, and I’ve learned to embrace H2O of an evening and have largely eschewed drinking alcohol at home.

And if I really fancy a tipple?  I have ONE G&T rather than open a bottle of wine which would then need to be finished over the next few days.  Oh and every now and then I have hot milk laced with Baileys before bed 🙂

Action Point – ‘Well done, keep it up!  Your liver and skin with love you for it!’

 

GET WORK/A JOB/EARN MONEY

The Scaredy Cat

Speaks for itself doesn’t it?!

Apart from Saturday night, I’ve done really well with regard to managing panic attacks and keeping the Fear at bay and I’m afraid that if I go back out into the corporate world, it will all come flooding back, and I don’t think I can take that, as I’ve come so far and never want to be that person again.

But money doesn’t grow on trees, so I’m going to try making stuff and selling it, be it cake, toiletries or toys and keep my eye open for a part time job so I don’t get overwhelmed by a 5 day week.  I’m also exploring going back into remedial massage.

Action Point – Well, that rendered anything I have to say obsolete, didn’t it?!’

 

DATING/SEX

The Siamese

OK, so whilst I haven’t exactly been a sex kitten, as like the Siamese I’m discerning about whom I get close to, but I do like a cuddle from the right guy, and am a lot more chatty and flirty around the male of the species of late.

Also something has started purring again, and I’ll give you a clue, it’s not my mouth, it’s my p…..

Yes, my libido appears to be back, haven’t checked my orgasm for a while so must see if that is any better, and will report back accordingly ;-).

Dating wise, I met Groin Guy, and he was nice but there was no chemistry but I haven’t arranged anything else for a while but do have a date tonight, which I’m not looking forward to, as we spoke on the phone and he sounded a bit insincere/potentially duplicitous to me.  I know, I can’t really judge him before I meet him (which is why I’m going) but my instincts are second to none and I’m already getting alarm bells….

But I’m going!  I promise….

I also seems to be getting attention from some younger toms in the ‘hood, but just can bring myself to go there, alas….

Action Point – Don’t you dare bail on tonight!  I know you want to…. Arrange one date a week until something happens, or failing that, shag that Italian Stallion before your foof goes into a massive sulk again….’

 

LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR

Cat-astrophe (sorry…)

I’m not even going to try and fudge this one.

I don’t like what I see.

My belly is fatter but my face is thinner and my neck is getting more and more scraggy.  My skin is drying up and veins are starting to show through my legs, and every now and again I get a Dennis Healy eyebrow hair that curls up and takes on a life of its own.  Oh and my hands are starting to look ancient….

Action Point –You can’t look that bad if you are attracting young blokes at parties? Anyway remember that saying about the words you speak ending up being your life?  Try and see your good points rather than the bad.’ 

Yes, but he just wanted a…

‘Enough!  No more negatives, do as you are told.’

 

FORGIVE

The Sleeping Cat

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The Sleeping Cat is apparently the symbol of peace in Japan, and you will be surprised to discover that I am not angry with anyone anymore.

Not even my old boss and he’s a total cock….

This is progress indeed, I can’t remember a time when I’ve not been furious with someone….

Action Point – Who are you? And more to the point, what have you done with Sista?!’

 

THE ARTIST’S WAY

Claw-ful…

Typical eh, as soon as I add this to the list I stop doing it….

If I remember rightly, I was doing the evening pages one night, trying to get some help on something from God and nothing happened.

Nada.

In fact I felt worse, so I think it put me off a bit…..

Action Point – Give it another go, just pick up where you left off.’

 

KEEP NURTURING MY CREATIVITY

Paws-itive 🙂

I have and I do, but I could do more…..

Am (obviously) still writing, still knitting but have a boxful of fabric that I have yet to put to good use….

Action Point – Start making things and when you perfect them, you can sell them and set up your own company!’ 

 

YOGA

Shivasana Cat

I’ve given Yoga its own posting as I’ve been really neglectful of late and it’s typical of me, I find something I love, then I stop doing it.

Why?  I have no fucking clue.

So whilst I’m great at Shivasana, this will not bring me customers come Autumn.

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Action Point – Get Downward Dogging already!  And do something EVERY SINGLE DAY.’

 

So.  Not a bad month all in all!

I’m not such a shitty kitty anymore, and with the right mate, could even be a Lovecat 🙂  As long as my boyz approve, natch….

I’ve finally achieved some level of forgiveness, I’m more sociable, less anxious but still have stuff to work on.

Wish me luck on that date tonight, just hoping I don’t get sprayed….


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ANALYSE THIS

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Woke up today with a sore throat, sniffles, a minor case of the blues, and lo and behold, another letter from the CBT woman chasing me to arrange another appointment on my doormat.

This did not exactly enhance my mood.  Just looking at it makes me want to tear it to bits with my teeth.

I open the envelope, chuck the letter and look at the leaflet.

On the cover are photo head shots of five people, with thought bubbles coming out of their heads.  Each thought bubble contains one of the following questions:

Stressed?

Can’t Find Work?

Problems at Work?

Anxious?

Depressed?

For the record, these folk do not worried at all let alone depressed (indeed they look as if they just won the lottery), so unless they are on better fucking meds than I am, they might want to invest in different photos.

If they are, I want what they’re on, do you hear me, Dr B?

Inside left page is some blurb about who to contact if you’re a bit worried/stressed/etc/etc, what the procedure is, contact telephone numbers and the possible time line for getting an appointment.

Then on the following pages are examples of the forms and questionnaires you need to fill in every week before your appointment.

Grrr….

I can tell you right now, that I will never, ever fill out one of these forms again.

Let me take you through my experience of working with them.

The first Questionnaire box that you need to fill assesses how you are feeling at that time. These list from 1-9 and start with:

1.            Do you l have little interest/pleasure in doing things?

Culminating with:

9.             Do you have thoughts that you would be better off dead?

You have to score these with one of four options ranging from ‘Not at all’ (1 point) to ‘Nearly ever day’ (3 points).

And that’s fine.  I had no problem with this form in principle.  People have to start somewhere when analysing a whole boroughs worth of nutters.

The next Questionnaire, addresses the potential symptoms resulting from these thoughts, ranging from:

1.            Feeling nervous, anxious or on edge

To:

7.            Feeling afraid something terrible might happen

This is scored as per Questionnaire 1.  Again, I get it.  Knowing how much a patient’s life is impacted by their paranoia is imperative to understanding what needs to be addressed.

Then there is a Phobia Questionnaire, where situations and activities (going outside, meeting friends, chairing a meeting etc.) are listed and these are scored taking into account whether you would avoid them and the extent that you would avoid them, ranging from:

1.            Would not avoid it

To:

6.            Always avoid it

I acknowledge that ALL of this stuff is valuable in assessing how a patient is feeling, how this manifests in their lives and how much it is inhibiting them from leading a normal life.

I’m not done yet.

In addition to this, every week I would also have to fill out a Weekly Activity Chart.  The Weekly chart was broken down by days (Monday to Sunday) and then by hours, and this had to be populated as much as possible with how each hour was spent, along with a mark between 1-6 to indicate how much I enjoyed it.

Every hour. I’m not kidding.

But I was in a very bad place, so I thought hey, co-operate, they are only trying to help you.  So I did.  From breakfast to bed time. Hell, I even benchmarked my bowel movements (giving one a 6+ one day) might as well have some fun with it…

It was when I realised how this would be used that I lost my sense of humour.

Basically, I’ll do you the courtesy of cutting out the pie charts, PowerPoint presentation, medical clichés and other insulting, patronising crap and summarise it like this.

The first 3 charts would be compared week by week in order to monitor progress.  Soo, if you go wanting to harm yourself to being a bit indifferent to everything, you were making progress.

If you went from thinking the sky was going to fall in, to worrying if you miss your bus, you were on the mend.

Please don’t leave and check your Facebook account.  I know this is boring; I had to fucking live it.

OK, what was I saying?  And if you went from not going outside to, yes, you’ve guessed it, going outside, things were going swimmingly.

Simples!

Now, here’s the science bit 🙂 .

Are you ready?

<Drum roll>

When it came to the Weekly Activity Sheet, essentially the practitioner would look at the things you marked low (not counting those unavoidable unpleasantries that we all have to deal with like cleaning the oven) such as meeting a friend you no longer got on with, and advise that you do them less.

That’s not all!  She then looked at the things I marked high (apart from eating crap and drinking myself into a stupor) such as having an aromatherapy bath and advised that I should do them more.

Do less of the things you don’t like, and more of the things you do like, and then you’ll get better.  Genius.

Because that’s all there is to it; people really are that uncomplicated.  And if you believe that and have a spare afternoon, lets meet up, enrol and we could all qualify as a CBT Counsellor at the School of Stating the Bleeding Obvious.

What pisses me off most is that, in my experience, these kinds of practitioners expect their patients to be (a) rational, (b) able to discern what is good for them and (c) able to implement these proposed changes to their day to day lives.

This kind of prescriptive, overly simplistic pop psychology is of no use whatsoever to people like me, because what they are using is mathematical, predictable logic, and in my current state, whilst I understand the rationale (I’m mad, not stupid) logic doesn’t even begin to come into it.

I know that running and gym work makes me feel better. Why don’t I do it?  Not sure.

I know that, with my background of eating disorders that binging on ice cream makes me feel like a revolting, fat bitch.  Will I do it again?  Yes. 

I know that being out of the workplace for a prolonged amount of time in this economic climate is ill advised, and being alone at home all day worrying about money is not helping me move forward. How many jobs have I actively applied for in the last year?  Erm, Two.

I know that in order to carve out a new life as a yoga teacher I need to pass my exams this year with flying colours. Why am I neglecting my studies?  Pass.

I know that digging away brutally at the wound in my hand serves no positive purpose whatsoever; indeed I am scarring myself and it hurts.  Does that stop me doing it?  Nope.

I know from experience that a significant other in my life does tend to make a difference to my wellbeing.  Have I joined a dating website?  Not yet.  Maybe not ever.

And I know that if I am to date again I need to get my body back into shape in order to feel in any way attractive/sexual.  Am I making any effort to that end?  Fuck, no.

Seeing a trend here?  Thought so. So why can’t supposedly qualified professionals understand that box ticking is not the answer here?

And looking over your glasses and sighing at me as if I’m being deliberately uncooperative and obtuse, when it’s taken every once of strength to drag my arse out of the house to get to your office makes me want to shove my face inches from yours and scream profanities at you until your face is pebble dashed with spittle and my throat is so raw it has started to bleed.

So benchmark that bitch, save yourself a stamp and leave me the fuck alone, as Aunty C makes you look like the rank amateur that you so obviously are.

Oh dear, I appear to be rather angry.  Time to watch Real Housewives, as those crazy wenches make me look like Mother Teresa.

And breathe……


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THE ARTISTS WAY: Week Two – Recovering a Sense of Keeping the F*ck Up

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So, yes, I admit it, I didn’t check in this time last week; I fell of the horse (mechanical bull more like) but I’m back on it.  Just.

Rather than cram everything into this one post and bore the arse off you, I’m going to do last week’s key observations today, and Week 3 observations tomorrow, OK?

One thing I need to flag up is that unlike most of the people following this course, I’m kind of doing it in reverse; I’ve got some creative stuff going on in the form of this blog but need to use the lessons to get back into the workplace, make new friends and carve a complete life for myself without losing my creative self again.  And do even more creative stuff.

OK.  So last week was about Recovering a Sense of Identity and this mainly addresses the people/things/thoughts that can trip you up along the way. Again, I don’t have work/family commitments or distractions but the ‘Poisonous Playmates/Crazymakers’ section was very interesting.

A Crazymaker is essentially some arsehole that makes unrealistic demands on your time, surrepticously puts you down, and tends not to be too chuffed when something actually starts to go right for you.

Being the defensive old cow that I am, any psychopaths that wander into my life are given very short shrift indeed, but the friend I am estranged from didn’t seem to like the fact that I was coming out of victim mode and trying to get back on track. She’s not a bad person and may not have known she even felt that way, but it’s probably useful to think about your friends and do a quick ‘health check’ on them and make sure you don’t have a secret saboteur. Remember, you don’t need to be paranoid to have someone in your life who’s out to getcha 😉 !

Another part asks that you analyse where your free time goes. Mine tends to be taken up with being in a drugged stupor on the sofa, buried under  a blanket of cats, watching ‘Real Housewives’ (aka narcissistic bitches with more money than sense, who would find someone to argue with if they were at the bottom of a lift shaft to the centre of the earth.  Post Armageddon), but that’s all about to change.  I’m going to start putting together a plan for every day so that I can’t fanny around and waste this precious life God has given me.  I mean it this time.  Honest.

This will also incorporate doing some of the list of ‘20 Things I Enjoy’, some of which I already do so can tick off (yay!) but picking at the wound on my hand doesn’t count, so am I going to force myself to really push the envelope and have a good time this year.  Yowser.

My biggest challenge however and something I need to put some real work into is ‘ATTENTION’.

When one is paranoid, panicky and generally bonkers, you are essentially driving on autopilot because your mind is whizzing around like a rat on a wheel, and you pay only enough attention to not totally insult whoever you are with, get knocked down by a car, or get the sack.

Because I’m constantly obsessing about me, me, me, I tend to pay very little attention to others.  It’s not because they’re not important or interesting, but I’m totally absorbed in trying to survive.

Every encounter with a stranger or a group of people would end with me thinking something along the lines of the following examples:

‘Phew, she didn’t seem hate me; think I got away with that! Hang on, what was her name again?’

‘Oh God, they totally hate me, I saw that blonde one look at her manager and smirk! They think I’m shit, that I’m a joke, word will get round, I’ll lose my job, and…..oh fuck, I didn’t take any notes, what am I going to write this report with?’

‘Well, he clearly thinks I’m desperate, I bet he thinks I’m a sure in for a shag but not good enough to be his girlfriend!  Oh no, he clearly thinks he’s much too good for me!  Well, I’ll show him, just wait till he calls, I won’t be in and….’

Even typing this out makes me cringe, but I can be frank with you, and quite honestly, to date, I can’t help it.  And because this is my default, I have to constantly back peddle to try and catch up with the things I should have taken notice of, and eventually I end up so paranoid and defensive that these people don’t want to be around me anyway.  And who can blame ’em?

What also doesn’t help is I’m ‘blessed’ with quite an aloof face when I’m not smiling (not my choice, I wanted a J Lo or an Angelina – thanks again for that, God…) so a lot of people think I’m snooty.  Little do they know…..

I saw the above image on Facebook today, and it hit me like a frying pan upside the head, so I thought I’d share it.

Who knows, maybe someone else on here has ‘Chicken Licken Syndrome’ and/or is as demented as I am, if so, this is for you my feathered friend.  Take heed.  Worrying is pointless.  Bok, bok, bok, SQUAWK!

I’ll close with the part about ‘Praying for Guidance’.

Look, I haven’t got clue who is up there.  I could be God, Buddha, Allah, Thor, but I don’t actually care.  I feel and have always felt that there is another greater, higher intelligence who exists alongside us, and I don’t think he/she/it cares what you call it either as long as you call it.

I call it intermittently; sometimes I pray, sometimes I meditate, sometimes my yoga feels like a dance with it, sometimes, when I’m angry, hurt, or afraid, I tell it to bog off, but I know it’s there. Hovering.  Hoping for the best for me, willing me to get my idle arse into gear and make a difference, I just wish it would give me a frickin’ clue sometimes.

But again, maybe it’s me who’s not listening…..