Here we are again. Another year nearly over.
And whilst looking back to December 2013, and acknowledging that things seem to have gotten worse, I no longer have the expectation that making a list of New Year Resolutions to work through and tick off is an appropriate strategy for someone with EUPD, or indeed any kind of mental illness.
Human beings in general, let alone us crazies, are much more complicated than that, otherwise there’d be no such thing as irrational phobias and fears, unhealthy addictions would not supersede our higher selves and ALL diets and fitness training plans would work because we would apply ourselves to them without question.
So there you go. BUT, as I’ve bored you all year with my pain, failures and woes to date, I’m actually going to try and focus on the positive and try NOT SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE!
So what was good about 2014?
I’ve done some successful bits of work in the last year and have even been in the papers, so I should give myself a pat on the back there. I dabbled in a baking business, and maybe gave up a tad too soon, so perhaps that is something to revisit come 2015.
I can count the number of people I can rely on on one hand, but I am learning to manage my expectations with regard to the others. Making friends isn’t a problem for me. When I’m in fun mode, I attract people to me, no doubt about it. Keeping them is.
I think I’m getting better at it.
Whilst I still can’t say I like my appearance I think I am learning to accept the way I look, the ageing process and other things about myself. The other day I was subjected to a barrage of romantic intent (see DATING/SEX) AND I looked like cack as I barely had any make up on so maybe it’s not all about having the perfect nose, a botoxed brow and perky titties?
I’m still a born again virgin (coming up for 4 – 5 years now – practically healed up), but whilst doing some volunteer work I was heavily pursued by a big hairy, lairy dude, who kept calling me his new wife, bringing me bottles of water and little treats all day. And whilst he’s not really my type, is barely literate AND smokes, I was pathetically enchanted by these crude overtures, and that he kept calling me ‘Princess’ and ‘Treacle’ in a very butch cockney accent.
Ludicrous really. I’m embarrassed for myself.
I wonder if God has figured out yet that our hormones and genitalia are seriously unreliable when choosing one’s mate? Because it also turns out that he’s not as strong as he appears and could be quite vulnerable beneath that brash exterior.
Great. Just great. Another casualty of war. 😦
BUT we’re still chatting and I’m going to try and not be too judgemental.
I am in pretty good shape really, considering that I neglect and test my poor old carcass with daily mistreatment, so if I start to look after myself better in 2015, it can only improve. Right?
Plus I’m still working on my…
….and working out helps tamp my temper down. Look, anger is at the heart of me. I haven’t figured out why, or why it’s so all encompassing, but I’m a whole lot better at controlling it nowadays. Despite the fact I screamed abuse at a call centre worker only this very morning, because they’d pushed my patience to the very edge. Yet again.
Ahem…this is a work in progress y’know?
I lived off one years money for nearly two and a half years, so I don’t need to earn as much as I did in order to survive. Good news right? Except I don’t just want to survive anymore. I want to LIVE more fully and have some fucking….
FUN WITH FRIENDS
….so I do need a swift and steady cash injection in order to participate fully.
I’m also trying really hard to find ‘fun’ friends as per Aunty C’s instructions, but need to figure out what I’m putting out that attracts the walking wounded to me, and how to change that frequency. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all my friends, and empathise fully with my fellow casualties, but sometimes feel a bit like Jack Dawson, as I attempt to clamber on board a bit of raft in order to save myself, but keep finding people who need/deserve it more that keep dragging me off, so I just go along with it instead of piping up ‘Budge your fat ass over Rose, you selfish bitch, before my dick falls off, and then I can get us both some help!’
After all, like all the airline flight attendants inform us when we’re busy browsing our Duty Free pamphlets whilst lingering on the tarmac, in an emergency, we have to give ourselves oxygen first in order to survive long enough to save our vulnerable, so could someone please tell me where all the fun people are?!
Or is it my duty to fix the weak ones before I can move on? All very confusing really, but I’m going to try and do a bit of both, that’s fair isn’t it?
I have goals. Yes I do. I’m just not going to look at them too closely as there is no surety or clear path for me right now and that’s pretty scary, plus I know my inner saboteur will put on my Doc Martens and stamp the shit out of them. This I have been proving for two years now. My inner sab can turn the most enjoyable thing into a chore in my mind, so I’m keeping stuff under my hat for now.
I’m a whole lot better at this nowadays too. Maybe hard times do make one into a better person. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments of ‘Fuck them’ and the desire to block people out of my life still seems to be my psyche’s knee jerk reflex of choice, but this is all becoming all the more obvious to me, because of my group….
Gawd. This has been hard, continues to be hard and I have no idea if I’m going to be able to stay in London in order to complete it, but it’s been a fucking education to date. Not necessarily because of the specific discipline, or because I rate the shrinks, but seeing your shit reenacted by others is beyond cringeworthy which impels one to do better with regard to certain kinds of behaviours.
I still don’t think it’s a good idea to get too friendly with my group fellows, nor do I like all of them, but they are some of the best teachers I’ve ever had and I can only applaud and appreciate them for their presence, and be as kind as i can to all of us as the process continues.
Right at this moment in time, I should be very worried and uncertain, but I am starting to realise that hiding away and settling with survival does not a positive life make. So whilst on paper, I have very little reason to be confident and excited about the year ahead, I’m going to try and be happy and get out there and see what I can achieve for myself. This is of course, no easy feat and there will be plenty of times that I’ll be back in my pit of despair, but I’m going to try and control my mind a little more, make positive affirmations and at least try and see if it has any affect.
I’ve been OK over the seasonal period and survived it, but that says it all really.
That word again.
Oddly enough the thing I enjoyed most over the last week or so was the charity work, grafting flat out for a common goal. And yes, I suppose the little flirtation and attention I got kinda upped the ante a little too. But it’s important for me to recognise and record the times and things that have made me happy or contented in the past.
Working as a team with fun people.
Horse riding in the Spanish mountains.
Being around animals.
Getting praise for things I have done.
Nurturing and being nurtured.
Getting attention from the opposite sex.
Had to note down that last one, as I’d much sooner ignore it.
AND I MUSTN’T IGNORE IT!
Because maybe there is someone out there who I can be around who’ll add value to my life.
Re New Year’s Eve, I’m actually not going out tonight, because there was nothing very interesting happening, but I think this is a positive thing, as there is no act more lonely than to hurl yourself out of the door and attach yourself to someone, anyone, rather than be alone at the stroke of midnight.
And it’s not like I haven’t been here before, and only good things came out of that. Like this blog! 🙂
Thank you to all of you for your friendship and continual support.
I’ll keep on keepin’ on and hope you do too.
Love and kisses Sista xxx