Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


14 Comments

Until, one winter day, a sly wind blew in from the North…

GOT-game-of-thrones-29426322-1600-1200.jpg

Shit is going down.

I wish I could say that I’ve had a normal life, but that would be a lie.

I seem to have a number of lives within this one, always culminating in a big disaster, a cutting off and a move, usually geographical but not always.

In this instance, it is inevitable.  Pending.

As I have to be out of my flat soon, regardless as to whether I buy the multi flawed house I’ve made an offer on.

In a part of the country where there are major problems.

In a tiny village.

On a main-ish road (sorry cats).

With, like I say, some major issues to address.

So instead of facilitating a non 9-5 lifestyle, I would spend the rest of my days doting on this bitch only to keep her from collapsing in a heap.

I could have gotten something modern, brand new even, in a cul de sac with no major outgoings whatsoever.  But that would be too boring.  And too easy.

But I do love the house.  It called to me.  But all depends on whether the sellers will take my reduced offer.

download.jpeg

This has been like playing poker with the Devil and being down to your last chip, as if this all falls through, I’m out of money, energy and time, so in a way it has to work.

Of course I’m afraid. When haven’t I been?!

However, this is a whole new level.

That said I have to have faith that, for once, the trickster is on my side.  In the Tarot, the Devil represents being restricted, held back, usually by a cell of one’s own making, so it’s down to me to finish the game and walk away triumphant.

Plus all the stars are aligned in my horoscope and screaming ‘For God’s sake, get off your ass and take a frigging chance!’, so as with my previous mini incarnations, the universe is making my decision for me and spitting me out and onto the next level.

And I’m relieved.  Because to live a half life in fear and uncertainty for so many years sucks the life out of a body.

London was never really my home.  It’s like a big plush waiting room, perfectly comfortable and accommodating, but no place to settle.

And that manipulative North wind whips up a storm every night, and will continue until I finally leave this place and move on, hopefully to a place I can call home.

Winter, it appears, is coming.

Whether I want it to or not.

Wish me luck.

Namaste x

 

Advertisements


22 Comments

ANOTHER LIFE LOST TO ‘THE FEAR’ #depression #eupd

What can I say that others have not said before me?

I was so shocked and appalled at the death of the Hollywood great that is Robin Williams.

Like many on here, I have grown up with his TV Shows and movies, and it would particularly gladdened my heart when he appeared on chat shows, as he along with Billy Connelly was raconteur par excellence:

And of course everyone has been going ‘Why, why?’ and some particularly stoopid folk have called him selfish because they can’t understand why such a talented, rich, successful man could end his life in such a way.

Well let me tell you wankers, mental illness along with cancer, AIDs and death is one of those great levellers that cannot be fixed or alleviated by wonga.  Sure you can afford rehab and retreats and get to see the best physicians in their swanky offices, and recline on their velvet covered couches, but at 3am in the morning, when you can’t sleep because something is coming for you, and you are that close to taking an overdose, if only so you can stop running, it doesn’t really matter how expensive your designer jamas are, what the thread count of your bedding is or how presidgeous your postcode/zipcode is, the dark is the dark, and the Fear is the Fear, and there’s no escaping it, no matter who you are.

And that was the thing that really broke my heart.

That he knew the Fear.  My Fear.  ‘Cos it sounded very much like mine, in an interview he did with the Guardian a few years ago about his addictions.

http://www.theguardian.com/film/2010/sep/20/robin-williams-worlds-greatest-dad-alcohol-drugs

The reporter asked Robin whether it was the death of his friend Christopher Reeve that pushed him over the edge that time:

“No” he replied “it’s more selfish than that.  It’s just literally being afraid.  And you think, oh this will ease the Fear.  And it doesn’t”  What was he afraid of?  “Everything.  It’s just a general, all round argghh.  It’s fearfulness and anxiety”

And I hate it so that it tormented him too.

To the lovely, kind hearted, well intentioned folk out there, please don’t send people like me fucking Fear themed memes or quotes.  We’ve heard ’em all.  Hell, I’ve even sent some myself.  ‘Cos when you feel that bad, none of them mean shit.

51gsHt6YqxL

I’ve nearly finished my schema therapy book.  I thought it would make me feel better. But it doesn’t. What it does do is explain why my years of therapy haven’t been enough to crack my anger, self hatred and self sabotaging behaviour and that, given the number of schemas I have (nearly a full house, folks! Whoop de doo!) there is no way I can do this by myself.

So I’m really frightened now.

I’m frightened that I don’t get picked for schema therapy.

I’m frightened that whatever I do get won’t work.

I’m frightened that I won’t get any work and lose my home.

I’m frightened that I have to give up my cats.

I’m frightened that mine will be the next name in the obits column in my local paper before the year is out.

I’ve read so many lovely comments about the great man on Facebook today and that meme that tells you not to be ashamed about your mental afflictions was all over the place, so just as an experiment, I posted something that wasn’t exactly a confession, but alluded that I was knew more about it that I had previously let on.

Silence.

Nary a ‘Like’ or a comment in sight.

You see, that’s the beauty of Facebook. Everything is out there and can be summoned or dismissed with the click of a mouse, so you can pretend that you are tolerant, politically correct and big hearted, but the tiniest sniff of anything or anyone that could affect your world or turn up on your doorstep, then you can ignore it, block them or log out, and get the hell outta there.

So I guess I’ll need to keep pretending that everything between my ears is behaving itself, and with any luck, everyone can pretend they’re non the wiser if I end up following suite and bow out early one day.

Sshh…so just don’t tell on me, OK?

Robin-Williams.-006

 

 

 


15 Comments

ZIPWIRE

Exorcist1

So, surprise, surprise, my old mucker FEAR has snuck back in to the crevice created by my tears and made a rather predictable appearance late last night.

Just as I was about to tidy up, turn off the TV and go to bed I realised that I had concertinaed up my body and was frantically biting down hard on my knuckle, every muscle of my body tense with dread and anticipation.

And, coward that I am, I quickly bottled on my resolution, and downed the tab of Sertraline I should have taken that day, waited for it to take effect, then got into bed, curling myself into a tight foetal position.

Then came the dream.

I’m in a hot country with my friend Jon and we happen upon some kind of attraction/activity, and when we get up closer I see that it’s some kind of zip wire contraption running between two little pod like rooms with a walkway that you have to walk over to get from one to the other, a bit like a motorway service station flyover. Below is a steep fall onto crags and rocks, but there is a sign saying that whoever crosses it wins $1M.  I distinctly remember that part as I was trying to figure out what that is in sterling.  There is a duffle bag filled with notes.  No one touches it.

I turn to look at Jon, but he’s a way back staring at me blankly.

It it true?  What are the legalities of it?  Will they really pay out if someone takes up the challenge?

Then I notice that the wire sags flabbily in the middle and that there is no security harness, just two handles to hang onto as you cross, as you dangle over the rocks below.

Everyone just stares at it. 

I’m thinking of how this prize will solve all of my problems.  I’d be able to pay off my mortgage, move to the coast and start again.

Again.

I look around again for Jon, but he’s talking to the others, not paying me any attention.

Then I think ‘Fuck it’ and go to pull the handles to my end via a pulley  and park my stuff next to the duffle bag.  As I do this there is some kind of commotion in the opposite pod as a stocky dark haired man dressed in white arabic robes gets up and peers across at me through the glass of the pod.

Trip trap, trip trap

I don’t like him.

His eyes

He’s creeping me out.

I know I’m not going to do it.

Then I wake up as one of the cats starts chewing my hair, keening for his breakfast.

God I feel shit today.  And piss weak to boot.

Why do bad days always follow good?

Who am I kidding?  Every day is the same, it’s like frigging Groundhog Day with a sarf London twist, and I’m going to go seriously doolally if I don’t get out of here.  Apart from the odd couple of days here and there, I haven’t this friggin’ cell for over a year now, and it’s really getting to me.  My friend has a place by the coast, and even though it’s usually unoccupied, for whatever reason he’s really weird about any of us using it, and I’m too proud to hint or ask him about it anymore.

I need the sea air in my hair, the sun on my body, and a different set of walls to stare at, and my credit card is bouncing around in my bag excitedly.

‘You don’t have the money!’

‘What about your mortgage?’

‘Get a job first!’

‘Don’t do it Sista!’

But I’m in a dangerous mood, fed up of relying on the kindness of others and tired of being afraid.

What is it with me and tightropes?

Oh bollocks to it, what’s the worst that can happen?  You’re a long time dead…


2 Comments

I’M LATE, I’M LATE….

Image

 

Yes, its me, Ms Tardy for the Party, as per usual.

What I am late for this time?  

Well pretty much everything actually.

Advancing in my yoga, setting up my business, my hideous fledgling novel on ‘na noo na noo’ or whatever they call it (and only three days in too!) and of course, achieving my aims and resolutions for this year.

And only eight weeks to go.

Of course I have realised that my advancement relied and relies on so much more than mere box ticking and that advancements, especially spiritually, have taken place that I never thought possible.

I also finally realised that I’ll never totally beat this condition; it is a part of me that I will always have to manage, make allowances for and nurture myself in it WITHOUT letting my FEAR rule me or allowing myself to hide from the world.

From a financial aspect, 2013 has cost me greatly, as I have not earned anything, not claimed any benefits and have gradually eaten away at my savings, but without this time away from the rat race I might not even be alive, so whilst I am poor I have much to be grateful for.

My main hurdle for the latter part of 2013 is to do those things for myself that only I can do, but for some reason deprive myself out of fear, self loathing, self protection or whatever.

I haven’t done an update for a couple of months and when I tried to today, I realised that I had let a lot slip AGAIN and am sat metaphorically on the school bus feverishly scribbling down my homework.

But I can’t explain how hard it it to motivate myself and get past my terror of ‘I don’t know what’ when I am for the most part all alone, and can get away with hibernating without anyone getting on my case about it.

But I can, must, WILL keep trying.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow…..

I will hold off doing a proper update until the end of the year, when, I hope to have a gleaming school report, resplendent with gold stars!  Or big, splatty inkblots more like….

Thank you for your patience and big love to all xxxx

 


4 Comments

TURN TO STONE

Image

I have just wasted the last frigging hour ranting on about someone else’s blogpost, when in reality, I knew it was one of my clever little avoidance tactics so that I can delay tackling what it is that I really need to say.

Here in the UK, the PR campaign is building for the new series of X Factor, but it is the Fear Factor that is dominating and, lets face it, has always dominated my thoughts.

Some Fear wisdom from Wiki:

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognise danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight or flight response) but in extreme cases of fear, a freeze or paralysis response is possible.’

Have you ever been in a situation when you know that you behave in a certain fashion intellectually, but push it to the back of your mind?  Then you realise in your heart that you do this thing, but again, it’s too heavy/big/impossible to even think about confronting it?  Then one day, you decide to tackle it, but end up making a half arsed attempt at doing something about it?

Then one day, for whatever reason, it hits you like a ton of lead how much it’s actually impacting on your life?

Well that’s what happened to me the other day, and I realised that the Fear tends to impact on me in such a way that I end up stuck in various limbos where nothing ever progresses, so I really have to find a practical way to tackle it, as desire and willingness is clearly not enough.  

And if I can bring about change so that the Fear doesn’t continue to blight my life this way, I can re-channel my inner Aslan and change the world (well this small corner in South London at the very least….) instead of spend the majority my days in perpetual paralysis like a petrified faun.

Image

Here are some examples of how my Fear Filled Mind works:

I need new flooring and have found a company who will do it fairly cheaply.  But they are a local business and not a chain, so what if they don’t do a good job?  I will not be able to take them to task or get them to do it properly. And what if I pay them and the next day they go bust?  And they might do a shitty job and I’ll be stuck with it.  What if they try and fob me off with cheaper carpet?  Also they might steal stuff from me, or steal my keys, torture my cats etc etc. 

You might think I’m joking but I’m not.  I have been trying to get this done for nearly a YEAR!

Next example:

I have a parcel that I need to take to the Post Office, so I consider parking at the local supermarket.  But it’s 20 minute customer parking only.  What if there’s a queue?  I’ll be late then I’ll get clamped.  Also I’d need to buy something from them, even though I don’t need anything, as they might have cameras checking if anyone not a customer.  Also it’s off street, so I might get mugged. Then I’ll lose my car, then I’ll be locked out, then they’ll use my credit cards, arse rape me etc etc…..

I then have to think where else I can park, and all the pitfalls of taking that course of action and by the time I’ve fretted and worried, and weighted up all the pros and cons, the Post Office is closed, the supermarket is closed because it’s CHRISTMAS, and I’ll probably put it off for at least a week before going through the same bloody rigmarole again.

So it doesn’t take a genius to realise that if I get my panties in a bunch over something as innocuous as parking at Tesco, imagine the state I get in when having to make or act on bigger, more impactful challenges or decisions?

The biggest challenge for me in tackling this behaviour is that I live alone and no one is there to talk me round, gee me up or shake me bodily till my teeth rattle when I go off on one.  So for the most part, I give into the Fear and lie low.

Where it’s safe.

And there I fester, and continue to fester.

I thought about this problem for days now and I’m still trying to figure out how to tackle it.

Hypnosis?

Ping an elastic band around my wrist when I feel the Fear creep up on me?

Grab a notepad when I start to panic and ‘talk’ myself down from the edge in writing?

Call someone?  Yep, my friends will love that, me jabbering away about whether or not to buy a carpet at 2am on a Sunday morning because I can’t sleep. Back to the drawing board on that one, methinks….

All joking aside, the biggest challenges I still have to tackle this year are directly influenced and impacted upon by the Fear and I’m over half way into the year, so drastic measures are needed.

Has anyone ever managed to effectively tackle feelings like this?